Some quick suggestions for Cameron

Just when Kate and Wills had made us forgot about the economy, Lord Young had to come along and spoil it all. But there must be other distractions . . .

"Cameron must be praying for some fresh nationwide distraction, but that's not likely to happen on its own. He's got to get creative and manufacture his own stupid news. Here are some quick suggestions for Cameron:

1. Call a live press conference, during which you claim to have made contact with aliens. Then point at the sky and say, "They'll be arriving any moment – from behind that cloud." Keep pointing until the economy is better. This will definitely keep the 24-hour rolling-news networks occupied. For the newspapers, you'll have to go to phase 2, namely:

2. Beg Wills and Kate to release a pre-wedding sex tape. The subsequent headline apocalypse would cause Fleet Street to run out of ink until some point midway through 2013, which might give the economy time to recover – or at least give the Royal Mint time to release a new series of banknotes with popular figures such as Harry Potter or Susan Boyle on them, which would distract viewers (in a positive way) each time they were used as background graphics to illustrate harrowing stories about the new Great Depression on the 10 O'Clock News.

3. Cry and apologise constantly. Just weep openly during every Prime Minister's Questions, every interview, every public appearance. Weep and smack yourself over the head while blubbing about how bad the economy is and begging for the nation's forgiveness. Eventually, we'll probably be dumb enough to give it to you."

You've never had it so good, says Lord Young. By accident. Before promptly stepping down | Charlie Brooker  | The Guardian