link A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
link There's this guy walking along a road to town with his camel. Along the way, a guy stops and ask's if he needs a ride to town. The guy say's, yeah. He hop's in, the driver say's, what about your camel. The guy said, Oh, he's ok, he know's his way to town. So the driver start's driving, he get's up to about 45 MPH, and he looks in his rearview mirror and see's the camel right behind him. He say's to the guy, hey buddy ya know your camel is behind us? The guy say's, yeah it's ok, he knows his way to town, speed up a little. The driver speed's up to about 55 MPH, he's driving along, and look's behind him and again see's the camel. And say's to the guy, your camel is still there. The guy say's, he's know's the way, speed up a little. So the driver speed's up to 65 MPH. He drive's for a bit, and look's behind him, and look's at the guy and say's, hey buddy your camel he's looking pretty rough. The guy say's, oh yeah, what's he doing. The driver say's, well, his ear's are folded back and his tongue is hanging out.. The guy say's, HIS TONGUE IS HANGING OUT,, TO WHICH SIDE. The driver say's to the left side. The guy say's, YOU'D BETTER HOLD YOUR COURSE, HE'S FIXIN TO PASS YA..!
First soldier: 'Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?' Second soldier: 'No way, Jose!' First soldier: 'Whyever not?' Second soldier: 'It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!'" link
"A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. Pastor said, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!' My friend said, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.' Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?' He *whispered* back, 'I'm in the secret service.'" link
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nudist beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had bigger boobs than his mother, so he asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean, but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger units than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks to her, the dumber he gets."
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she replied. "Needs ironing." he said
A blonde was driving home when a guy pulled her over. The guy says, “Get out of the car and stand in this circle or something awful is going to happen to you.”
So, while the blonde is standing in the circle the guy is going through her car and transporting it to his car. Then the blonde started laughing hysterically. The guy asks, 'Why are you laughing? The blonde ignores him and he says, “Whatever…” and continues to rob her car.
The blonde starts laughing again. 'Why R U laughing again!' She again ignores him. Then just as the guy is about to drive away, the blonde starts laughing a third time
'Ok… that’s it… What’s your problem,” the guy shouts???
'Well, the blonde says, “When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle three times!
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, 'I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss.' The man agrees and makes his first wish: 'I want lots of money.' Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account. Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house. Finally the genie says, 'You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully.' The man says, 'Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.' " link
"A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. 'Ah.....' said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. 'I see you are the father of two children.' 'That's what you think,' said the man scornfully. 'I'm the father of THREE children.' The woman grinned and said, 'That's what YOU think'" link
"An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''" link