"Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, 'You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'
The other woman turned to her and said, 'I know! I heard it snoring!'
What's dumb? Directions on toilet paper.
What's dumber than that? Reading them.
Even dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong." link
"Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No. Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal. Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal." link
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. -David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. -Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" -Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. -Anonymous
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. -Henny Youngman
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. -Sam Kinison
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. -James Holt McGavran
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't. -Patrick! Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. -Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... -Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. -Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." -Anonymous
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?” “Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant. “That's no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?” “Before the store opened,” replied the prisoner.
A Vancouver mother took her young son to the Hudson Bay department store to meet Santa Claus.“What would you like for Christmas, young man?” asked the jolly Santa.“A new computer, an Ipod and a Game Boy,” replied the boy.“I'll do my best to see that you’re lucky,” said Santa.Later that day the mother took the boy to Eaton's department store and once again they visited Santa's display.“What would you like for Christmas, young man?” asked the Santa.“A new computer, an Ipod and a Game Boy,” replied the boy.“And are you going to be a good boy and help your mother?” asked Santa.The boy turned to his mother and said, “Let's go back to Hudson Bay. I didn't have to make any promises there.” link
Two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of sub zero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde finally turned to the other and said, “I've had it. I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!”
"Mirror, mirror on the wall Do you have to tell it all? Where do you get the glaring right To make my clothes look too darn tight? I think I'm fine but I can see You won't cooperate with me, The way you let the shadows play You'd think my hair was getting gray. What's that, you say? A double chin? No, that's the way the light comes in, If you persist in peering so You'll confiscate my facial glow, And then if you're not hanging straight You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight, I'm really quite upset with you For giving this distorted view; I hate you being smug and wise O, look what's happened to my thighs! I warn you now, O mirrored wall, Since we're not on speaking terms at all, If I look like this in my new jeans You'll find yourself in smithereens!!" link
"Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby. 'This,' she said, 'I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?' 'No, madam,' replied the attendant. 'That one's called a mirror.'" link
Humans: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent." link
"A little boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His mother told him they did not have any money for a bike. But she told him if he would tell Jesus what a good boy he would be maybe Jesus would allow him to have one. The little boy sat down to write Jesus a letter.
As he began the letter...'Dear Jesus I will be good for one year...' He scribbled that out and wrote, 'Dear Jesus I will be good for one month...' Then he scribbled that out and wrote, 'Dear Jesus I will be good for one whole week....' In his disgust he tore up the paper and went for a walk.
As he walked he passed by the local church were there was a Nativity scene. He began to run as fast as he could and, when he past by the figure of Mary, grabbed her up and ran home.
He ran in the front door and to his room. There he began a new letter that started...'Dear Jesus if you ever want to see your mother again...'" link
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed." link