Tuesday, September 30, 2008

How to Nix a Chick Flix

"Creators Syndicate - I can't say with absolute certainty, but I'm pretty sure that in 25 years of marriage, I can count the number of movies we've seen that I wanted to see on one hand. Actually, on one hand with three or four fingers held back.

I know, from other males of the species, that Bruce Willis made a whole lot of movies where he was a lone cop who fought off terrorists and psychopaths. There have been two or three James Bonds, and all kinds of Hulks, X-Men and even Iron Man movies. If it's got a car chase, helicopter crash or even an automatic weapon, I haven't seen it. I guess from the ads in the paper that they've made all kinds of gangster, kung fu and war movies. But while all this manly stuff has been happening on the big screen, I've been one theater over, stuck firmly in romantic comedy land, a bag of popcorn in one hand and a hankie in the other. Every once in a while I hear a BOOM through the theater wall, but that's about it.

It isn't that my wife flat out refuses to see testosterone-laden movies. Every time I pick a guy movie, she agrees, but so reluctantly, and with such a despondent sigh, that I keep looking through the listings till I find a flick that won't bore her to tears. Most often, the only other male in the theater is walking the aisle with a flashlight.

This summer, my wife surprised me by offering to go see the latest "Batman" movie, and it was like Christmas in July. The whole way out to the theater, I plotted in my head. If I could just show her a good time at a guy film, maybe this could be the start of something new.

The first two hours were great: I could barely sit still as half of Gotham City went up in huge explosions. But then, like the Energizer Bunny, the movie kept going, and going and going. I could feel my wife starting to squirm in her seat next to me. At the two-hour and 10-minute mark, my wife yawned and put her head back, staring at the ceiling. I wanted to run to the back of the theater and yank the plug on the projector. She started looking for her sweater before the final credits rolled. On the way out of the theater, she shook her head.

"You owe me," she said.

This week, my wife decided that it would be nice, in the middle of the week, to rent a movie on digital cable. At first I thought this seemed like a cool idea, until she mentioned the movie: "Sex and the City."

I'd managed to avoid seeing this movie in the theaters only by making a strong stand, refusing to even discuss it. Did she really want, I asked, to be married to the only guy in town who'd gone to this movie? I don't have much of a reputation around the neighborhood as a guy's guy, but what little I had might be worth saving.

I checked the windows before we started the movie on cable to make sure nobody was around. As we settled into the couch, I prepared to be bored to tears.

To my surprise, it was so, so much worse than that. Two and a half hours of women talking on the phone about relationships, broken up by the occasional brunch or gabfest over Cosmopolitans. There were whole scenes that seemed to be about nothing more than shoes. Somewhere around the "outfit montage," where the main character tries on her favorite dresses from the past, I began to feel dizzy. It was like somebody slipped estrogen pills into my beer. I reached up to my jaw and actually felt my beard retracting. I tried to talk, and my voice seemed just a little higher.

I staggered to my feet, just as I felt the last Y chromosome seeping away from my soul. My wife asked me where I was going.

"Don't know, don't care," I said. "But I gotta get outta here before we have to move to a state that's legalized same sex marriage!"

Peter McKay


Good Morning

Laugh IT Out


Who's The Best Doctor

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.

The British doctor said, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

Then the German doctor bragged, “That’s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, “You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work.”"
Laugh IT Out


The incredible image of an 85-day-old horse foetus

"It's long neck turned in on its body and domed head resting on a foreleg, this is the amazing picture of an 85-day horse foetus.

Spotted by a British photographer on a visit to a vet's surgery, the tiny foal's body has been preserved in a jar of formalin.

Tim Flach, who has worked for Adidas, Cirque du Soleil, Jaguar and Sony during his career in advertising, was so captivated by the foetus he took it home to shoot."
As well as the foetus, it features pictures of living horses from all around the world including the most highly-prized Arab thoroughbreds from the Royal yards of the UAE.

Flach also captured on film pure-bred Icelandic horses which live on glaciers and thousands of Mustangs racing across the plains of Utah.

The photographer graduated from the renowned St. Martins School of Art in London and has spent the last 20 years working taking pictures for advertising.

read the full story


CPR Demonstration



The amazing natural wonders captured by the world's best photographers

"The fish photograph was taken by Noam Kortler from Israel and was highly commended in the category 'The Underwater World'.

He had captured life at Moses Rock, near Eilat, where most big reef fish make a point of turning for a daily grooming session from cleaner fish, who pick off parasites.

The cleaner fish advertise their identity and their services with their black-striped livery and a special jerky swim."
read the full story


Monday, September 29, 2008

The Majesty



Marshmallows of the Caribbean



First Date



Bike Ride

"A 10-year-old girl was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle
pulls up beside her and says, 'Hey little girl, do you want to go for a ride?'

'NO!' says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says,
'Hey kid, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.'

'NO!' said the little girl and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the little girl again and says,
'Okay kid, I will give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy
if you hop on the back of my bike for a ride.'

At this point the little girl turns to him and screams angrily,
'Look Dad, YOU bought a Honda instead of a Harley so YOU ride it!'"


Sunday, September 28, 2008

Posh's gravity defying thigh-high PVC boots stop traffic in New York

It was like a scene from a movie - hundreds of excited fans, some hysterical at the thought of catching a glimpse of their idols, packed up against the barrier, jostling for space.

By the time the Beckhams finally arrived, half-an-hour late, New York's 34th Street was at a standstill. And Posh didn't disappoint, poured into skin-tight thigh-high PVC boots, balancing five 1/2 inches high - without heels.


Blood and Thunder



WTF is this?!



Saturday, September 27, 2008

Paul Newman Is Dead at 83

"Paul Newman, one of the last of the great 20th-century movie stars, died Friday at his home in Westport, Conn. He was 83."
read the full story

"Here's looking at you, kid."



Happy Birthday !


Dogpoo - What an awful name for a product

"Give your pooch a shiny, luxurious coat & help
ward off fleas & ticks with essential oils of neem,
citronella & eucalyptus. Formulated to be the correct pH for a dog’s coat, Dogpoo lathers into a rich foam without drying or irritating the skin. Rinses off easily."


Drive Slow



Friday, September 26, 2008

Jump !



Statler & Waldorf on the upcoming debate


Involuntary Muscular Contractions

"A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It is claimed that the professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class."

A naughty little girl


George Carlin quotes

photo: Vincent Laforet/The New York Times

1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning.
That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying!
I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn�t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.


The baby gibbon who thinks a cuddly toy camel is her mother

"A baby gibbon has bonded so strongly with a cuddly camel given to her as a surrogate mother that she cries like a human infant if the toy is out of reach.

The ten-day-old female, an endangered Siamang Gibbon, was at risk of starving to death and weighed just 18oz after her mother failed to produce any milk.

But Sadie Garland, primate keeper at Noah's Ark Zoo in Bristol, stepped in to bottle-feed her - with the help of the toy camel and a minute feeding pipette.

Thursday, September 25, 2008


"A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
'I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!'
The Madam is astonished.
'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.' The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick.'"

Do not try this at home!


Mega Fly

Cyrus Khamak photos

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
George Jean Nathan

Featherless Chicken Wears a Sweater to Keep Warm

When Buffy the chicken lost all of her feathers, staff at the animal rescue center knitted her a sweater to keep warm!

Deputy manager Emma Phillips has become Buffy’s 'foster mum' and keeps the hen in a luxury nestbox at the centre’s chicken shed.

She said: 'Sadly, we occasionally find hens in this state when we rescue them and when Buffy arrived she looked like she was oven-ready

'But now she’s bold enough to peck and scratch about and tries to join the other chickens sunbathing in the sunshine wearing her little jumper."

To Kill a Mockingbird


Wednesday, September 24, 2008



Large pushy pig traps Australian

"A woman on the north coast of New South Wales in Australia is being held hostage in her own home by a large pig, Australian media report.

Uki woman Caroline Hayes, 63, says the pig is as big as 'a Shetland pony' and that she cannot get out of her house because of its aggressive behaviour."