Happy Halloween !

GOOD FUN !!

Dude

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Pig Pumpkin

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I slept with this girl, in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed? She said one pig in the blanket was enough.
Jay London

pigs and philosophy

Funny pig

pig cartoon

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shoping

There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they
lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English,
but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose
whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't
know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her
skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went
home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know
how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her
breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way
to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...


What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

Pumpkin Carving

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ghosts jokes

link: "Q. What did the ghost say to the man at the coffee shop?
A. Scream or sugar!"

nap

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Cat in the Sink

link: "So why do cats like bathroom sinks so much?"

THREE WOMEN Joke

Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, 'My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.'
The second said, 'Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful.'
The third said, 'Mine is like an old Chevy.
It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going.'"
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woman joke

"At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.' 'I don't know about that,' huffily answered a woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.' 'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted. 'I hardly think so!' responded the lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'"
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screamy pumpkin

A "scream" is always just that - a noise and not music.

Carl Jung
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Is this seat taken?

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Celebrity Nerds Pictures Gallery

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Working With The FBI

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. 'Hello?' 'Hello, is this the FBI?' 'Yes.
What do you want?' 'I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at Thibodeaux and leave. The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
'Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep' 'Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.'"
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Potatoe

A man goes to the beach to try and pick up girls. He's there all day without any luck, but see's an old friend just surrounded by beautiful women. In a quiet moment he goes over and asks his friend what he does to attract the women. His friend looks around to make sure no one hears, and says 'Just go to the store and buy a potato. Put it in your swim trunks, and the girls just go wild.' Well, the next day the he tries that, but its even worse than before. If anything, the women are avoiding him. He goes back to his friend, and says 'I did just as you said, but the potato doesn't seem to be helping!' The friend looks at him and says 'The potato goes in front!'"
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Halloween !

not yet :(
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short joke

Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to."
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WTF?

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grumpy old women

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three old ladies

"Three old ladies are walking down the street.
They are hard of hearing.
One: Whew, it's windy today!
Two: No. Today's Thursday!
Three: So am I! Let's go to a bar!"
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bear joke

"How to tell the species of bear you are looking at:
Go over to him, and kick him in the behind. Run up a nearby tree.
If he climbs the tree and eats you, he's a black bear.
If he knocks the tree down and eats you, he's a grizzly."
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Jokes of Jerry Seinfeld

"Why is commitment such a big problem for a man?

I think that, for some reason, when a man is driving down that freeway of love,
the woman he’s involved with is like an exit.
But he doesn’t want to get out, he wants to keep driving.
And the woman is like, “Look, gas, food, lodging, that’s our exit,
that’s everything we need to be happy, get out, here, now!”
But the man is focusing on the sign underneath.
It says, “Next exit, twenty-seven miles.” And he thinks, “I can make it!”"
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What is a Kiss?

Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term."
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Very Funny Video Clips ☺ HILARIOUS VIDEOS ☻ The Funniest

Groink - Jokes

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come to papa !

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Mr Potato Head does Halloween

How do you describe an angry potato?

Boiling Mad.
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Table Waitresses

"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
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how's your sex life?

"Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'
'Social Security sex?'
'Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'"
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cellulite

what a joke

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we do not sponsor prostitutes

now you know
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men's hair growth system

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escape is impossible

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the smallest dog in the world

does size really matter?

when you're drunk

"THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight"
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Dracula Jokes

"Q. What did Dracula have for dessert?
A. Whine & Ice scream

Q. What is Dracula’s favorite restaraunt?
A. Murder King"
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Catholic School Girls

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Dictionary for Women

"40-ish..........................49
Adventurous.................Slept with all your friends
Athletic........................No boobs
Average looking............Ugly
Beautiful......................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile.........Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure.......On medication
Feminist......................Fat
Free spirit....................Junkie
Friendship first.............Former slut
Fun.............................Annoying
Gentle.........................Dull
New Age......................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded................Desperate
Outgoing......................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...................Sloppy drunk
Poet............................Depressive
Professional.................Bitch
Romantic.....................Frigid
Voluptuous...................Very Fat
Large frame..................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate..........Stalker
Widow..........................Murderer "
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Baby Kangaroo

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Job Interviewer: Tell me about your work experience.
Kangaroo Applicant: I used to work at a hydrant factory along with the guy who wrote 'Who Let the Dogs Out' a song based on a happening at our factory.
Job Interviewer: Sounds like a mess. How did this come about?
Kangaroo Applicant: Well, I'm a little embarrassed to admit it but it was me who let the dogs out. But how was I to know? They told me they were dingos!

X-Rays of Everyday Life

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intelligence

"A little boy went up to his father and asked:
'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'
The father replied: 'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,
'cause I still have mine.'"
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dog house

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when you're old and rich

"An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, 'I was going to park there!' The man was a real smart aleck and he said, 'That's what you can do when you're young and bright.' Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, 'What did you do that for?' The little old lady smiled and told him, 'That's what you can do when you're old and rich!'"
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good feeling

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Dumbledore is Gay

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Bulldog at shrink

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I don't know how I dealt with it. I went to a shrink.
I know they don't like to be called shrinks. I went to a psychiatrist.
Lynn Redgrave

second opinion

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nurse cartoon

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BIRTH CONTROL PILLS

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, 'I'd like to have some birth control pills.'
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, 'Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?' The woman responded, 'They help me sleep better.'
The doctor thought some more and continued,
'How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?'
The woman said, 'I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night.'"
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nurse joke

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A nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck.
"Oh brother!", she cries. "Is that a doctor?"
St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, "No, that's God.
He just thinks he's a doctor."

caution

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Polar Bear Jokes

Q: What did the polar bear say when it saw the igloo?
A: 'Oooo! I LOVE these things! Crunchy on the outside - with a nice chewy center!'

Q: What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
A: Sandwiches!'

Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A: A polar bear.

Q: What did the polar bear say to the tourist who left the tundra buggy?
A: 'Why don't you just have a good scream and get it over with.'
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Tree Climb

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The first step, my son, which one makes in the world, is the one on which depends the rest of our days.
Voltaire