My Colleague, the Antichrist By Jack Handey

Illustration by Luci Gutiérrez

 I knew the Antichrist. We worked together in New York, at a major investment bank.

 (Due to the nondisclosure agreements we had to sign, neither the Antichrist nor myself can disclose which investment bank.) The Antichrist was a pretty good guy, but, when we went for drinks after work, if he got drunk he’d start ranting on and on about how he was going to rule the world and how we’d all bow down and worship him. You wanted to say, “Give it a rest, Antichrist.” 

Plus, he would conveniently make himself scarce just before the bill came. Another annoying thing about the Antichrist was that he was always complaining that our department was not committing enough abominations. But the Antichrist was not without his good points. 

When my girlfriend dumped me, he said, “Don’t worry, there are plenty of other harlots in the sea.” And he was a great coach for our softball team, the Evil, Vicious Bluebirds (formerly the Bluebirds). He had us focus on what he called the “three basics”: good fielding, good hitting, and leading our opponents astray. Imagine my surprise when I saw him on the big TV in Times Square.

 He was on all the TVs, in fact, saying that he was the new ruler. 

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