Saturday, August 5, 2017

Please Confirm You Are Not A Robot

To complete your order and prove that you are not a robot, please check the box that reads, “I am not a robot.” Hmm. It took you kind of a long time to click the box. Most verified humans do it within 0.5 seconds, and you took almost three. We’ll assume it was a normal human thing holding you up (e.g., distraction, forgetfulness, unwillingness to read instructions) and not something robot-related. Let’s confirm you are not a robot in a different way.
Please enter the following randomized text in the space provided: iBAnGed4sHEep Why are you hesitating? Just write “iBAnGed4sHEep” and then click “confirm.” Should be pretty easy, no? O.K. Well, we’re still going to need you to verify that you’re a human in order to complete this order of seven AAA batteries. Kind of a weird order for someone who’s not a robot, but who are we to judge! Here’s a simple human task: please turn your volume up and listen for the auditory cue.
It will be an Adele ballad, and we’ll need you to openly weep into the microphone. A few loud sobs to “Someone Like You” will sufficiently establish your humanity. It seems that you were unable to complete this task. We will assume that’s because your speakers are broken, and not because Adele’s angelic voice didn’t unleash a cascade of tears from your real, human eyes. The latter would be a clear indicator that you are, in fact, a robot. We’re running out of options here, and you seem to really need those seven AAA batteries. Do batteries even come in a pack of seven? Are you ordering seven individual AAA batteries? Don’t answer that. It probably wouldn’t help your case. Select one of the following options to confirm you are not a robot:
 • Eat a hard-shell taco and instinctively tilt your head to the side.
• Gasp in genuine delight at a picture of Beyoncé.
 • Smile obligatorily at a baby you don’t know.
 • Procrastinate by taking an online quiz that tells you which Harry Potter house you’re in.
 • Argue with the results of the online quiz that tells you which Harry Potter house you’re in, and then create a new profile so you can take the quiz again.
 • Avoid eye contact with this person who looks familiar but you don’t know from what.
 • Watch a looped video of someone tripping, and laugh every time.
 • Take at least three tries to insert this USB cable correctly.
• Smell this and tell me if it smells bad to you.
 • Have the rest of these fries that Courtney can’t finish.
 • Realize that this is not worth the effort and just go to Target.
 Congratulations! You correctly selected “Realize that this is not worth the effort and just go to Target.” Your humanity has been confirmed.
 Now, let’s see if you can enter your payment information in time.
We’ve hidden your wallet way the fuck over there in a pair of pants that you wore at some point this week. You have fifteen seconds. Let’s begin.
 By Mia Mercado


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