How to Pack Your ISIS Fanny Pack

You’ve decided on martyrdom. Being a loner is a drag, and now it’s time to dedicate all your teenage wisdom to a cause—a bloody one, overseas. But there are logistics to consider when waging war against infidels in a far-off desert in Syria or Iraq that you’ve only seen in pixelated pictures from your mom’s basement.
 You have to ask yourself: What are the essentials a Westerner-cum-terrorist needs when leaving the comforts of home? For starters, sell that laptop, ditch the Xbox, take a fanny pack, and, oh yes, buy a “cute” nightlight. These essentials are detailed in a rollicking, battle-tested travel guide by a writer dangling tidbits for daydreaming jihadis pining to raise an AK in the name of ISIS.
 Behold: the jihadi go-kit.