U.S. Government Confirms: There Are No Mermaids

The U.S. National Ocean Service (NOS) made the firm announcement that mermaids do not exist. This announcement came in response to public inquiries into the NOS’ mermaid science program after a show about mythical creatures on the channel Animal Planet. “No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found,” the NOS’s press release read, dispelling any rumors that “those half-human, half-fish sirens of the sea” are anything more than legend and the stuff of Disney movies.
 Sorry, Ariel, looks like you’ll never be part of our world.