Jewish quips and quotes

“My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food . . . She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” Comedian Henry Youngman

“Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say, ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’, to some hooker. Joan Rivers

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said OK, you’re ugly too.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I was depressed. I was suicidal; as a matter of fact, I would have killed myself but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.” Woody Allen

“A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, ‘Are you comfortable?’ The man says, ‘I make a good living’.” Henry Youngman

“Had my dream again where I’m making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.” Billy Crystal (in When Harry Met Sally)

“Jews and blacks come from the same history — 2,000 years of bullshit. We just expressed our suffering differently as people. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complain — we just never thought of putting it to music.” The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart

“It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” Woody Allen
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