Rebooting the Election by Jeremy Nguyen

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Who’s the elephant in the room at the Nato summit?

Fiona Katauskas

 

The New Yorker Cartoon

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Who says there’s no such thing as a free lunch?

By Mads Horwath

 

A new fund-raising e-mail from Donald J. Trump is offering donors the “unique chance” to serve prison time for the former President.

“Jack So-Called Smith and the Biden Justice Department want to put Your Favorite President Behind Bars!” the appeal, which was sent to millions of Trump supporters, reads.

 “For a Limited Time Only, You Can Go in My Place!!!” According to a campaign spokesman, Trump donors are lining up in substantial numbers to serve time in prison for him. 

“This offer is doing even better than the Trump N.F.T.s,” the campaign worker said. 

 The success of the appeal, however, has raised concern that the demand for Trump prison slots could overwhelm supply.

 “Hopefully, there will be some more indictments soon,” the spokesman said.

 The Borowitz Report

 

In Ron’s Florida, anything is possible.

By Barry Blitt 

via

 

U.S.A. the Envy of World After Ten Billion Dollars in Campaign Ads Changes Almost Nothing

The United States of America has become the envy of the world after a ten-billion-dollar expenditure on political advertising changed virtually nothing. People around the globe marvelled at a democracy so robust it could withstand an outlay of cash greater than the gross domestic product of nations such as Tajikistan, Montenegro, and Somalia. 

 “In my country, I would worry that spending ten billion dollars on campaign ads would result in the entire government being ousted,” a resident of Tajikistan said. “But America is such a great nation that you can spend that much and the results are barely detectable.” “When you imagine what you could do with ten billion dollars, you immediately think of building new roads or schools,” a citizen of Montenegro said. “But America’s roads and schools must be in excellent shape, if they can afford to spend ten billion dollars on elections instead.” “Ten billion dollars could pay for a lot of solar panels, wind farms, and other measures to mitigate climate change,” a resident of Somalia said. “Thank heavens Americans realized that political advertising is the thing that makes them No. 1 in the world and decided to spend it on that.”

 The Borowitz Report

 

Sometimes a cartoon artist uses their work to speak a volume.

Mike Thompson/USA Today Network

 

Don Landgren/USA Today Network

 

Andy Marlette/USA Today Network

  

  See more at BSA

 

Ted Cruz Heroically Investigates Whether Mexico Stole Heat and Sun from Texas

Senator Ted Cruz made a top-secret trip on Wednesday to investigate whether Mexico illegally stole heat and sunshine from his home state of Texas. Cruz said that he undertook the dangerous heat-finding mission because he cares deeply about the current suffering of his fellow-Texans.

 “The temperature in Cancún is an unacceptable fifty degrees warmer than in Houston,” Cruz said.

 “It’s so warm here on the beach that I’ve had to wear a swimsuit and periodically douse myself in the ocean. It is an absolute disgrace, and it will not stand.” “I intend to stay here until I get to the bottom of how Mexico managed to steal all of this heat and sun from Texas,” he said. “I don’t care how long it takes.” News of Cruz’s trip caused members of Mexico’s Senate to call for the building of a wall along the border with the United States, because, in the words of one lawmaker, “They’re not sending their best.” 

The Borowitz Report

 

Biden Restores Obama-Era Spelling Rules

In his first official act as President of the United States, Joseph R. Biden signed an executive order restoring Obama-era spelling rules. The order, which had been widely expected, brings the United States back into the community of spelling-observant nations after four years as a pariah state. According to one provision of the order, the letter “I” will, in most cases, return to its traditional position before the letter “E,” except in those instances when both letters are situated after the letter “C.” 

 Biden critics at Fox News wasted no time in denouncing his “blatant pro-spelling agenda,” calling the mandate “overreaching” and “divisive.” “Joe Biden is telling the rest of us that there’s only one way to spell—his way,” Tucker Carlson said. “My friends, it’s going to be a long four years.” Carlson’s attack appeared to have little effect on Biden, who later signed an executive order banning the random capitalization of nouns.

 The Borowitz Report

 

Trump Claims Constitution Invalid Because It Was Signed by Dead People

Advancing a new conspiracy theory during a rally on Monday, Donald J. Trump claimed that the United States Constitution is invalid because it was signed by dead people.

 “All we’re hearing is, the Constitution this and the Constitution that,” Trump said. 

“I’m telling you, as sure as you’re sitting there, that every person who signed that piece of paper is dead.” Trump said that he had his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani investigate the signatories to the Constitution, “and he found a scandal bigger than Hunter Biden’s laptop.”

 “Their signatures do not match the signatures of any living person,” he said.

 “Not only are these people dead, but they have been dead for a long, long time. This should never have been allowed to happen.”

 In addition to questioning the legitimacy of the dead people’s signatures, Trump claimed that Alexander Hamilton’s “should be thrown out twice.” “First of all, he’s dead, and second, he wasn’t born here,” he claimed. 

The Borowitz Report

 

Horrible Student Rejected by College

In a widely expected outcome, a horrible student was rejected by a college on Monday. 

 The college’s decision to reject the student was unsurprising given his poor performance in such important subjects as science, math, history, and spelling. Although the student was reportedly taking his rejection badly, a college spokesperson said that the news should have come as no surprise.

 “He was told that he wasn’t getting in more than a month ago,” the spokesperson said.

 “This was just a formality.” Having failed to get accepted by the college, the student is expected to live at home and take a job in a business started by his dad.

 The Borowitz Report

 

Trump Orders Space Force to Discover Other Planets with Courts

In a sign that he is not ready to give up his legal challenge to the 2020 election, Donald J. Trump has ordered the United States Space Force to discover other planets that have courts. 

 With his legal options on this planet dwindling, Trump is placing all of his hopes on identifying another planet that might have intergalactic jurisdiction over Earth. On the heels of his Space Force announcement, astronomers expressed deep skepticism that a planet with a functioning legal system could be located before the Electoral College casts its votes on Monday.

 But, in a sentiment shared by many Republicans, Senator Kelly Loeffler, of Georgia, said that she “totally supports” Trump’s decision to seek justice on another planet. “Let’s let the process play out,” she said. 

 The Borowitz Report 

 

Trump Blasts Biden Cabinet’s Lack of Reality-Show Experience

In a series of blistering tweets, Donald J. Trump ripped President-elect Joe Biden for choosing Cabinet members woefully lacking in reality-show experience.

 Calling the Cabinet picks a “bunch of losers who have spent their lives working at desks,” Trump questioned the team’s preparedness to take on the challenges presented by today’s complex reality-show landscape. “These people have never earned an immunity idol, presided over a rose ceremony, or danced with a star,” Trump said. “This is the best Sleepy Joe could do?”

 He saved his most withering criticism for Janet Yellen, Biden’s pick for Treasury Secretary.

 “If Joe really wanted a woman for this position, why didn’t he choose one of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?” Trump asked.

 “They know a lot more about money than this clown.” Leaving aside Biden’s failure to pack his Cabinet with experienced reality-show participants, Trump was baffled by his successor’s decision to bypass other highly talented candidates. “Ivanka, Jared, Eric, and Don, Jr., are all looking for jobs,” he said.

 The Borowitz Report

 

Giuliani Arrives in Ukraine to Look for More Votes

A spa day for Rudy. By Barry Blitt 

 
Now the mastermind of Donald J. Trump’s post-election strategy, Rudolph Giuliani, has travelled to Ukraine in search of more votes for his client.

 Speaking to reporters at the Kyiv airport, a highly animated Giuliani said that he expected to return to the United States with “bags full of votes” for Trump. 

 “Joe Biden is leading Trump by about sixty thousand votes in Pennsylvania,” the former mayor of New York said. “The population of Ukraine is forty-three million! You think I can’t find sixty thousand votes in this country? Get out of here! Get out of here!” Giuliani added that he was confident that his quest for votes would be a success because “every time I go to Ukraine, I come away smellin’ like a rose!” Concluding his remarks, he said that he would later announce the results of his mission at Kyiv Hilton Total Landscaping.

 The Borowitz Report

 

Poll Shows Most Democrats Have Taken Advantage of Early Drinking

A new poll indicates that the vast majority of Democratic voters have taken advantage of early drinking ahead of the 2020 election. In contrast to 2016, when many Democrats did not begin drinking in earnest until well into Election Night, the poll indicates that these same voters started consuming alcohol days and even weeks before November 3rd.

 “By the time I started drinking in 2016, it was too late for me to fully anesthetize myself,” Harland Dorrinson, an Arizona Democrat who started drinking last Thursday, said.

 “That’s why I went for the early-drinking option.” 

 According to the poll, white wine, long considered a favorite of certain Democratic constituencies, was the choice of only twenty-four per cent of the early drinkers, while vodka, scotch, and other spirits garnered the support of a whopping fifty-nine per cent. 

 The surging support for hard liquor is an indication that Democrats are taking early drinking more seriously than they did in 2016, experts say.

 Carol Foyler, a Pennsylvania voter who began early drinking in September, said that she had not stocked enough alcohol in her home in 2016 but was better prepared this year.

 “I made a plan to drink,” she said. 

 The Borowitz Report 

 

Ivanka Trump Applies for Job as Biden’s Daughter

In what many viewed as an ominous sign for Donald J. Trump’s reëlection prospects, Ivanka Trump has applied for a job as Joe Biden’s daughter.

 Trump’s job application, which was leaked to the press on Saturday, included her promise to make Biden’s Presidency “even more successful” than her father’s.

 “As awesome as Ivanka Trump has been, I believe Ivanka Biden will be even more awesome,” she wrote. Trump appeared to have difficulty finding tangible achievements to include on her application, other than “Did not write a tell-all book.”

 Finally, she ended her application with an attempt to boost her chances of being hired as Biden’s daughter: “You don’t have to take Jared.” 

 The Borowitz Report 

Biden to Do Remaining Debates by Mail

One day after the most chaotic Presidential debate in U.S. history, Joe Biden said that he would participate in the remaining two debates by mail. Campaigning in Pittsburgh, Biden said that he would be happy to answer a series of debate questions and mail his responses to the appropriate venues.

 “The moderator can read my answers aloud and then Trump can howl like a damn hyena, for all I care,” Biden said. “The idea that I would spend another ninety minutes of my life listening to that clown—c’mon, man. Life is too short for this horseshit.” 

 At the White House, Donald J. Trump vehemently opposed Biden’s proposal, claiming that debating by mail was “totally rigged” and rife with fraud. “If Joe sends in his answers by mail, what’s to keep a mailman from opening the envelope and writing in better answers?” Trump said. 

“This exact thing has happened millions of times.”

 The Borowitz Report

 

Trump Says Earth Will Cool Down If Everyone Just Turns On Air-Conditioning

Blasting “dumb scientists for not thinking of this before,” Donald J. Trump said that the planet would cool down “right away” if everyone would just turn on the air-conditioning.

 “Scientists go around with their lab coats and test tubes and act like the planet is burning up,” he said. “I guess those beauties have never thought of turning on the A.C.” “Air-conditioning is the answer,” he said. “It’s the hydroxychloroquine of climate.” Arguing that his theory was “based on math,” Trump illustrated what would happen to the planet’s temperature if people around the world all turned on the air-conditioning at the exact same time. “Let’s say two billion people each turned down the A.C. four degrees,” he said. “Just like that, the planet would be eight billion degrees cooler.” Trump disclosed that he did not come up with this mathematical equation all by himself, acknowledging the assistance of the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos.

 The Borowitz Report