The 10 best jokes from the Edinburgh festival 2023

Olaf Falafel: Getting mythology wrong is my Hercules ankle. 

 Leila Navabi: I have an unconscious bias. I’m biased firmly towards being unconscious. 

 Sikisa: Cats are like strippers – they sit on your lap and make you think they love you. 

 Liz Guterbock: The UK is so small, they’ve got to keep all their lakes in one district.

 Richard Stott: I have a suntanning addiction, so only go on holiday in winter. I went cold Turkey last year. Ginny Hogan: Everyone says your 20s are all about finding yourself. If that’s true, your 30s are about wishing you’d found somebody else.

 Alison Spittle: What does Kylie sing while counting sheep? I can’t get ewe out of my head.

 Eric Rushton: There’s a lot of shame surrounding sex. After I have sex with someone, they often whisper “that’s a shame”.

 Kuan-Wen Huang: My relationship with my mum is like the evolution of payment technology – we went from physical contact to electronic only, then it was contactless. 

 Amos Gill: Last year, I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now.

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Two-Line Jokes

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[new lyrics for old songs] 

 

The best Halloween jokes

“Halloween is the one night a year that hideous, evil-looking people can attend a party and receive compliments all night."  Pierre Novellie 
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The top 10 funniest jokes of the Fringe

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh

 "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

 "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

 "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham 

"If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green

 "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson

 "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry

 "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane

 "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery

 "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child
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Fifa joke by Walter De Gregorio

"The Fifa president, secretary general and communications director are all travelling in a car.
 Who's driving? The police."
 Walter De Gregorio
 Fifa announced in a statement that De Gregorio had "relinquished his office".
But the BBC understands he was asked to leave by president Sepp Blatter.

 

A history of the world in funny puns

Once a pun a time . . . it all started with THE BIG BANG, a theory which describes how the Universe began in a rapid expansion about 13.7 billion years ago.
 It is thought that all of space was created in this first moment.
 Expert and scientist Stephen Hawking  has even appeared in a cameo for American sitcom The Big Bang Theory.
Here are some space puns:
 • How does the Solar System hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt
• What kinds of music do planets sing? Neptunes
 • An astronaut broke the law of gravity and earned a suspended sentence
• That was a poor joke about infinity – it didn't have an ending
Gallery compiled by Martin Chilton /continue 

 

So the Belgians are pissed...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are.
 He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch.
 Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "Meh, we will build a bridge in the Sahara".
The king of Belgium approves and so it happens; the Dutch build a bridge in the desert.
They became the laughing stock of the world. The king of Belgium is pleased and says to king Willem:"Ha ha that was funny, you can remove the bridge.
King Willem responds: "We can't, there are Belgians on the bridge trying to fish."
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Oil will never return to $100

“A Saudi-Arabian prince has said that oil may never again rise above $100 a barrel.
He said it’s gotten so bad he can’t afford to buy his wife her own car that she’s not allowed to drive.”
 – Conan O’Brien
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100 funny jokes by 100 comedians

Oliver Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?' 

Stan Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?'

 Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?'

 Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.'

 Oliver: 'Was he building a house?' 

Stanley: 'No, they were hanging him.'

 From The Laurel-Hardy Murder Case (1930).

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100 jokes by 100 comedians

'My problem with the Grand Canyon is Americans are too proud of it for my liking. The Grand Canyon was like that when they found it! And it’s not like it was hard to find.' Ed Byrne
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The top 10 jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2014

1) “I’ve decided to sell my hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.” Tim Vine
2) “I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set.” Masai Graham
3) “Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief." Mark Watson
4) “I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s.” Bec Hill
 5) “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me.” Ria Lina
6) “Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” Paul F Taylor
 7) “Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying.” Scott Capurro
8) “I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own a-------.” Kevin Day
 9) I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven.” Jason Cook
10) “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.” Felicity Ward
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Best Patients

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on. 

 The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.' 

 The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.' The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.' 

 The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.' But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable.'

 

Her Diary vs. His Diary

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Scientists' favourite jokes

"A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptised. She kept the other as a control." David Spiegelhalter, professor of statistics, University of Cambridge

 "A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: "A man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex." The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.''"
 Richard Wiseman, professor of public understanding of psychology, University of Hertfordshire

 "Don't worry. You're not deluded. You only think you are."
 Uta Frith, professor in cognitive neuroscience, University College London
 "After sex, one behaviourist turned to another behaviourist and said, "That was great for you, but how was it for me?"
 Charles Fernyhough, professor of psychology at the University of Durham

The Observer asked a sample of great minds for their favourite jokes. 

 

Obamacare joke

“Today there were more problems with the Obamacare website. It seems when you type in your age, it’s confusing because it’s not clear if they want the age you are right now, or the age you’ll be when you finally log in.” – Jay Leno
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Tommy Cooper: 25 great jokes

Whisky
 • I'm on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three days!

 Gambling
 • Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

 Advice
 • Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you.

 Cannibals
 • Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'

 Tommy Cooper was one of Britain's best-loved comedians. Here are 25 great jokes from a new book that celebrates the magician's wit.

 

Joining The Marine Corps

At the physical, the Doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye-chart across the room. 

 "What chart doc?" the young man asked. 

 "The one on the wall!'' the doctor said. 

 "What wall?" said the young man.

 Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, and wanting to fill his quota, the doctor asked his nurse to strip down and walk into the exam room.

 "Now what do you see son?"

 "Doc, I can't see a thing, I'm as blind as a bat."

 "Well, you may not see anything, the doctor said, but your dick is pointing straight towards Paris Island, South Carolina."

 "Welcome to the U. S. Marine Corps!".

 

Philosophy Jokes

How did Descartes Die? He stopped thinking...

 What's the difference between a philosopher and an engineer? About 80,000 dollars a year.

 How many philosophers does it take to change in a light bulb?
 "Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it?" "Define 'light bulb'..."
 "How can you be sure it needs changing?"

 An engineer, an economist, a physicist, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland. On the top of a hill they see a black sheep. "What do you know," the engineer remarks. "The sheep in Scotland are black." "No, no", protests the economist. "At least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." The physicist considers this a moment. "That's not quite right. The truth is that there's at least one sheep which is black from one side." "Well, that's not quite right either," interjects the philosopher. "There appears to be something describable as a 'sheep' that seems to be black from one side..."

 Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
 Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
 Biologists think they're biochemists.
 Biochemists think they're chemists.
 Chemists think they're physical chemists.
 Physical chemists think they're physicists.
 Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. 
Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. 
Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. 
Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
 Philosophers think they're gods.

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Jason Collins jokes

“Washington Wizards center Jason Collins just came out of the closet, making him the first pro athlete in a major sport to be openly gay. While the first openly gay wizard is still Dumbledore.”
 – Jimmy Fallon

 “Collins is getting credit for being the first openly gay pro athlete. Or as Martina Navratilova put it, ‘Hello!’”
 – Jimmy Fallon

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