Ted Cruz Heroically Investigates Whether Mexico Stole Heat and Sun from Texas

Senator Ted Cruz made a top-secret trip on Wednesday to investigate whether Mexico illegally stole heat and sunshine from his home state of Texas. Cruz said that he undertook the dangerous heat-finding mission because he cares deeply about the current suffering of his fellow-Texans.

 “The temperature in Cancún is an unacceptable fifty degrees warmer than in Houston,” Cruz said.

 “It’s so warm here on the beach that I’ve had to wear a swimsuit and periodically douse myself in the ocean. It is an absolute disgrace, and it will not stand.” “I intend to stay here until I get to the bottom of how Mexico managed to steal all of this heat and sun from Texas,” he said. “I don’t care how long it takes.” News of Cruz’s trip caused members of Mexico’s Senate to call for the building of a wall along the border with the United States, because, in the words of one lawmaker, “They’re not sending their best.” 

The Borowitz Report