Wednesday, November 21, 2007
What part ?
"A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play.
'What part?' the mother asked.
'I play a Jewish husband,' the boy replied.
'Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!' "
link
'What part?' the mother asked.
'I play a Jewish husband,' the boy replied.
'Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!' "
link
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
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Southwest always pulls out on time
"A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The stewardess asked, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'
The boy said that she had.
She then said, 'Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.' "
link
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The stewardess asked, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'
The boy said that she had.
She then said, 'Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.' "
link
I'm crazy
"Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.
While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by,
running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence,
where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
'Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels?
That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something.'
Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident.
Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. 'You know, that was pretty sharp thinking.
Why do they have you in there?'
The patient smiles and says, 'I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid.'"
link
While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by,
running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence,
where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
'Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels?
That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something.'
Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident.
Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. 'You know, that was pretty sharp thinking.
Why do they have you in there?'
The patient smiles and says, 'I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid.'"
link
Monday, November 19, 2007
Little Known Facts about Ferrets
"The ferret is the only known vertebrate without a spine.
Ferrets cannot be found unless they wish to be.
Ferrets are as mad as a bag of badgers.
Ferrets are in fact sometimes made of equal parts Silly Putty and chaos.
A ferret once removed the testicles of Rudy Giuliani, causing Giuliani
to become a flamboyant transsexual
Ferrets are in the same family as a stoat, read also Stoat Box
Ferrets are the cause of global warming,
but this has been covered up by the Bush Administration
Ferrets are Professors of Maths.
First there was one, then just another one won't make a difference,
then a few more for company, next world domination!
A group of ferrets is called a Business - generally a thieving business"
link
Childbirth
Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, 'How was I born?'
'The stork brought you to us.'
'Oh,' said Little Johnny. 'Well, how did you and daddy get born?' he asked.
'Oh, the stork brought us too.'
'So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?'
'Well, darling, the stork brought them too,' said the mother.
The next day Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher.
It read, 'This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth
in my family for three generations.' "
link
'The stork brought you to us.'
'Oh,' said Little Johnny. 'Well, how did you and daddy get born?' he asked.
'Oh, the stork brought us too.'
'So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?'
'Well, darling, the stork brought them too,' said the mother.
The next day Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher.
It read, 'This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth
in my family for three generations.' "
link
Three men...
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king,
"I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him.
"You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face
or you'll be eaten.
"The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain,
so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king,
"I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him.
"You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face
or you'll be eaten.
"The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain,
so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
"deja screw"
"The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract
and bed such a luscious looking dish.
He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand.
But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.
'I can't help feeling that we've met before.' he said.
'Yeah, I know.' sighed the girl stretching.
'It happens to me a lot.
I think they call this 'deja screw'. "
link
and bed such a luscious looking dish.
He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand.
But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.
'I can't help feeling that we've met before.' he said.
'Yeah, I know.' sighed the girl stretching.
'It happens to me a lot.
I think they call this 'deja screw'. "
link
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Olympic condoms
"A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made.
'Olympic condoms?' she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'
'There are three colors,' he explains, 'gold, silver and bronze.'
'So what color are you gonna wear tonight?' she asks with a grin.
'Gold of course,' says the proud man.
The wife responds, 'Why don't you wear silver -
- it would be nice if you came second for a change!'"
link
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made.
'Olympic condoms?' she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'
'There are three colors,' he explains, 'gold, silver and bronze.'
'So what color are you gonna wear tonight?' she asks with a grin.
'Gold of course,' says the proud man.
The wife responds, 'Why don't you wear silver -
- it would be nice if you came second for a change!'"
link
Always Be Nice To Others Even When You Are In Power
"This is a wonderful depiction of why people should be nice to others
even though they are in power because time changes everything. "
4 more pics
link
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Short Snow Jokes
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
What's an ig?
An eskimo's home without a loo!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!
How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !
What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !
How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo ! "
link
She gave him the cold shoulder!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
What's an ig?
An eskimo's home without a loo!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!
How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !
What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !
How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo ! "
link
Friday, November 16, 2007
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