Why Your Dog Needs to Be Leashed During Walks (But Mine Does Not)

Leashing your dog during walks is a key to letting him know that you’re his master.

 (I, however, am not my dog’s master. My dog is my equal, and we are both masters of our own destinies, bounding side by side toward our meatiest dreams.)

 Your unleashed pup could frighten an innocent pedestrian who suffers from a horrible fear of dogs.

 (It’s too bad that your dog isn’t more like my dog, who elicits nothing but giggles of delight when his floofy figure gallops past the pupils of friends new and old.) 

 It’s a matter of safety! Your dog could get spooked by something and run into traffic.

 (How fortunate that ​my​ dog both knows and respects all traffic laws, despite having no legal obligation to do so. He would never set paw in the street—not unless he was at a crosswalk, and he had the light.)

 Your unleashed dog could get attacked by another dog, and you wouldn’t be able to pull him out of harm’s way.

 (My dog would never get attacked, because he has no enemies. My dog is a national treasure; a global sensation; an intergalactic, wet-nosed angel; and the chief archeologist of countless digs in my neighbors’ back yards.)

 In a moment of fear, your dog could even become provoked and attack another dog.

 (This would never happen to my dog, as he was raised as a pacifist. If anything, he might be provoked to coördinate a peaceful protest to raise awareness for a social cause that he’s really passionate about. Fun fact: my dog is really passionate about ​all​ social causes.)

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