A controversial new study suggests that the United States of America could benefit from having a President.

The study has raised eyebrows by claiming that a President could be helpful in unifying a country and, in a best-case scenario, providing moral leadership. “At a time of crisis, a President could be a galvanizing figure who leads a country to a better future,” the study theorizes. “He or she could bring a nation together rather than tear it apart.” In one of the study’s most radical proposals, it argues that a so-called Justice Department could include an Attorney General appointed by the President to uphold the rule of law. “Additionally, a President, by scrupulously obeying the law himself, could set an example for the rest of the country,” the study claims. “As improbable as it might seem, citizens would look to the President as someone to admire and emulate in their daily lives.” While many in the United States remain resistant to the concept of having a President, the study says that desperate times may lead them to consider such an unorthodox measure. “We have ample evidence of what happens when a country does not have a President,” the study concludes. “It’s a shit show.”
 The Borowitz Report