Realistic Schedule for Election Day

4:30 a.m. First wakeup, due to anxiety.
 5:30 a.m. Second wakeup, more anxiety.
 7 a.m. Final wakeup, due to alarm clock.
 7:12 a.m. Double check to make sure you haven’t been expunged from voter registry.
 7:30 a.m. Quick breakfast: oatmeal, coffee, vague dread.
 8 a.m. Leave for work.
 8:03 a.m. Turn around, grab two more forms of I.D., just in case. Leave for work again.
 8:30 a.m. Remember to breathe.
 9 a.m. Arrive at work.
 9:17 a.m. Notice everyone wearing their “i voted” stickers, feel hopeful.
 9:18 a.m. Feel sheepish for not having a sticker due to plan to vote after work.
 10 a.m. Another check to make sure you haven’t been expunged from voter registry.
 10:30 a.m. Head out for first lunch.
 10:45 a.m. Stress eat.
 12 p.m. Check the polls, remember it’s only noon.
 1 p.m. Head out for second lunch.
 1:05 p.m. Quick last-minute canvassing on walk back.
 1:15 p.m. Stress eat.
 1:45 to 4:45 p.m. Silent panic about the future of minorities, immigrants, and women.
 5 p.m. Leave work.
 5:03 p.m. Turn around, grab pay stub, just in case. Leave work again.
 5:45 p.m. Final registration-status check.
 6 p.m. VOTE!!!
 6:30 p.m. Take a few laps around the block to insure adequate public viewing of “i voted” sticker.
 7 p.m. Eat half a box of Cheez-Its on the couch while waiting for results to roll in.
 7:15 p.m. Smoke a bowl to calm nerves.
 7:18 p.m. Uh-oh! Ride out mild panic attack caused by the weed and the thought of impending totalitarianism.
 7:30 p.m. Finish the rest of the box of Cheez-Its.
 8 p.m. Do some laundry to distract self.
 8:07 p.m. Obviously that didn’t work. Back in front of the TV.
 9:30 p.m. Think about worst-case scenario for the future, tear up.
 10 p.m. Force self into shower, fight thoughts of how bad tomorrow could be.
 10:15 p.m. Hold on to hope.
 10:30 p.m. Hold on to hope.
 11 p.m. Don’t check the results, rest now.
 2:15 a.m. O.K., O.K., check the results.
  By Taylor Garron