How to Read "Infinite Jest"

Illustration by Luci Gutiérrez

1.Buy hardcover copy of “Infinite Jest” at brick-and-mortar bookstore. Touch paper and feel connected to hundreds of years of printed language. Flash cashier knowing, learned smile. Commend self for protecting bookstores from onslaught of crass digital commercialism.
2. Walk home and experience heft of text as bag handles dig into palm. Embrace heaviness as evidence of import. Thumb nose at pedestrians who aren’t carrying impressive, heavy books. Feel smug.
3. List book on Goodreads as “current read,” along with “Team of Rivals” and “War and Peace.” Accept accolades for being superior to rest of TV-watching generation. Refer to reading as “yoga for the mind.”
4. Go out for drinks with friends. Talk endlessly about book. Reiterate “yoga for the mind” thing. Accept new role as group sophisticate. Warn friends about dangers of bar limes.
5. Remove book from bag. Prepare to begin journey by watching three episodes of “Westworld.” Feel confused by multiple time lines. Reward self for sitting through hours of perplexing prestige television by watching one episode of “Jersey Shore: Family Vacation.”
6. Take selfie with book “accidentally” in background. Post on social media. Respond to dazzled commenters with “I guess size does matter. ;)”
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