Sorry for the Delayed Response

Sorry for the delayed response. I opened your e-mail on my phone while my date was in the bathroom, but then I saw that it required more than a “yes” or “no” reply, decided that was too much work, marked it as unread, and then forgot about it entirely until just now!
 * I totally meant to respond to this earlier, but I didn’t know the answer to your question and I kept not caring enough to ask anyone. Now a weird amount of time has passed, so I’m going to loop Laura (cc’d) into this e-mail thread to see if she can handle this. Laura?
 * Sorry for the delay! I put off answering your e-mail until I had an even more tedious task that I wanted to avoid. Thanks!
 * So sorry that I’m just getting to this now. There were six other people on this e-mail thread and I was hoping that one of them would answer your question and I could just go on living my life.
 * Yikes! The little Gmail preview text made your e-mail seem like a regular “Great, thanks!” e-mail I didn’t need to open, but now I see that you asked a question after the “Great, thanks!” I think we can agree that was a stupid thing for you to do, so I don’t even feel bad. I assume you found someone else to answer your question by now, but, if not, Laura (cc’d) should be able to help.
 * Oof, I really didn’t mean to take twelve days to respond to your e-mail. Does it ever feel like time is passing way too fast and you never have enough hours in the day to accomplish anything? Like, the sands of time have eroded the midpoint of the hourglass and it’s all just freely falling through now? Anyway, to answer your question: Yes, I can do 3 p.m.
 * O.K., so it’s taken me two weeks to get back to you, and I have no excuse beyond the fact that I just didn’t care about your thing. I still don’t care, but I’m trying to foster a false sense of productivity by cleaning out my inbox. Please don’t respond to this response and undo my hard work! Looping in Laura, in case you feel that you have to write to someone.
 * Oh, my God, so sorry. I’m finally responding to this e-mail that I fully intended to ignore forever because I realized that I need to ask you for a favor and I don’t want you to be holding an e-mail grudge against me.
 * You e-mailed asking for my opinion, and I wanted to give a really thorough, well-thought-out, articulate response, so I starred your e-mail, and over time it became a mascot for my illogical but oppressive sense of dread in the face of slightly annoying tasks. That little yellow star became a shining testament to the burden of modernity! Every day, it dared me to write a response worthy of the time I’ve made you wait, and every day I thought, Ugh, no. But today! Today I will respond! Rejoice, my patient friend! (I’m actually really busy, though, so this is going to be a vague, half-assed response that I could have easily written in the minute after I first read your e-mail, five months ago.) Sorry!
 Susanna Wolff