25-lb. bag of organic, grain-free, mega-expensive dog food
25-lb. bag of different food because you decided you didn’t like the fancy other food even though you’ve always gobbled it down like a monster in the past
1 of the best, most humane, pressure-point-free harnesses on the market
1 new, regular harness because I got sick of explaining to smug busybodies in the park that the humane harness just looked inhumane because you insisted on strangling yourself with it anyway
¼-lb. of Taleggio you ate off the coffee table during a dinner party
1 salami on which you tentatively placed your tongue before party guests arrived and that I served anyway
4-16 dog hairs in every single cup of coffee I’ve had since you came into my home
1 accidental “like” of a former classmate/current stranger’s Birthright-trip Instagram when I tried to brush one of your hairs off my phone
62 weeks, that’s how deep into that Instagram feed I was, just F.Y.I.
1 discovery that your hair wasn’t just on my phone screen, but actually embedded under the glass
3 pairs of headphones eaten in their entirety
1 pair of headphones merely shredded beyond repair, which allowed me to figure out what happened to the other 3 pairs
1 lifetime’s worth of feces picked up with only a flimsy Citarella produce bag protecting my hand
8 attempts at subtly studying said feces in public for any sign of those headphones
2 trips to the vet
45 minutes trying to get you to pee into a little plastic dish thing only to have the whole mess tip over onto my shoe
624 dollars to find out that you’re fine
Another ¼-lb. of Taleggio, somehow
—
Total amount due: $6,346
Payment due: 4/24/2015
If payment is not received by 4/24/2015, I will have no choice but to keep providing for you and loving you anyway because you are my dog.
Thank you for allowing me to serve you.
Sincerely,
Your Indentured Owner
No comments:
Post a Comment