Can You Make It Through This Post Without Squealing?

RULES:
1. You must read the whole post.
2. If at any point you squeal with delight, you lose the game. This includes saying "Squee" or "Aww," or sighing heavily.
3. Your ovaries may not at any point explode, metaphorically or literally. (If the latter, seek IMMEDIATE medical help).
OK, let's do this thing!

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