DO keep your eyes closed.
DON'T try to convince yourself you're asleep by making snoring noises.
DO focus on slowing your breathing down as much as possible. A handy tip is to imagine there's a speed camera pointing at your face; a magic speed camera that can photograph air. If you inhale or exhale too quickly, it'll fire a sharpened steel bolt into your forehead. Keep thinking about this all night."
DON'T go to bed wearing a makeshift crown fashioned from coathangers and bells – and if you do, don't sit upright violently shaking your head from side to side until sunrise.
DO keep the "worrying cells" of your brain occupied. Playing simple word games in your head is an excellent tactic. If it helps, imagine you're a contestant on Countdown, but try not to picture the gigantic clock looming behind you on the studio wall, with its huge sweeping hand marking the frantic passage of time, its hideous unbroken sweep impassively signifying the silent extinction of second after second . . . the hand that describes an arc . . . an arc that becomes a circle . . . a circle that becomes a spiral . . . a spiral that mirrors your twisting descent as you corkscrew downwards through time itself, plunging ever deeper into a void of meaningless decay . . . If you start thinking about that, quickly interrupt yourself by imagining Jeff Stelling throwing to a break.
DON'T stay in bed if you haven't fallen asleep with 30 minutes. Instead, get up and do something practical, such as driving a car or operating some heavy machinery.
DO drink nine litres of warm milk before bed.
There. Simple. And if none of that works, eat some drugs, use a different pillow, or saw your head off and stick it on a pole made of lullabies. Piece of piss.
Next week: how to solve the Iranian nuclear crisis.
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