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Friday, January 9, 2009
Football in heaven
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of
their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved football all our lives,
and we played Sunday football together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow
you must let me know if there's football up there.'
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been
my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do
this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from
a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice
calling out to him,
'Mike--Mike.'
Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
Mike--it's me, Joe.'
You're not Joe. Joe just died.'
I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.'
Joe! Where are you?'
In heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a
little bad news.'
Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.
The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's football in heaven.
better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here,
too. better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we
never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?
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"You're playing Tuesday."
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their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved football all our lives,
and we played Sunday football together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow
you must let me know if there's football up there.'
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been
my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do
this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from
a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice
calling out to him,
'Mike--Mike.'
Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
Mike--it's me, Joe.'
You're not Joe. Joe just died.'
I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.'
Joe! Where are you?'
In heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a
little bad news.'
Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.
The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's football in heaven.
better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here,
too. better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we
never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?
-
-
-
-
-
-
"You're playing Tuesday."
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Bad Food
"A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.'
'Red meat is awful.'
'Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.'
'Chinese food is loaded with MSG.'
'High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.'
'But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.'
'Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'"
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.'
'Red meat is awful.'
'Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.'
'Chinese food is loaded with MSG.'
'High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.'
'But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.'
'Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'"
Museum of Broken Relationships
"The Museum of Broken Relationships is a travelling art concept set up by former lovers
Olinka Vištica and Drazen Grubišić."
This prosthetic limb was donated by a Balkan war veteran who fell in love with his physiotherapist . "The prosthesis had a longer life-span than the relationship.
It was made of better material," the donor writes
Olinka Vištica and Drazen Grubišić."
This prosthetic limb was donated by a Balkan war veteran who fell in love with his physiotherapist . "The prosthesis had a longer life-span than the relationship.
It was made of better material," the donor writes
How to Impress a Woman/Man
How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer."
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer."
Thursday, January 8, 2009
‘An Historic Day’
"Let me tell you something, it was an historic day — I think that’s the right way to say it,
in Washington, as all four living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. Presidents Clinton, Carter, both Bushes, and Barack Obama sat down to share a meal. President Bush was especially excited. It’s his place, and when the guys all walked in, he went, “Hey, you’re the guys from the paintings in my office.”
Not only did the former presidents give Obama advice, but this is pretty amazing. They announced a plan to solve all the world’s problems by joining forces to form one giant President Voltron, which will destroy all who oppose us."
viain Washington, as all four living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. Presidents Clinton, Carter, both Bushes, and Barack Obama sat down to share a meal. President Bush was especially excited. It’s his place, and when the guys all walked in, he went, “Hey, you’re the guys from the paintings in my office.”
Not only did the former presidents give Obama advice, but this is pretty amazing. They announced a plan to solve all the world’s problems by joining forces to form one giant President Voltron, which will destroy all who oppose us."
Dalmatians fan sells off beloved collection after split with husband
"A Dalmatian obsessive who wore polka-dot knickers and had black spots
painted on her white car is selling her collection of 3,500 spotty items
after splitting from her husband.
Karen Ferrier moved out of her family home leaving a room full of the mugs,
magnets, suitcases, Easter eggs and toilet paper she collected over 17 years.
However, the 44-year-old secretary now needs to sell her collection,
which is worth about £1,200, because she has moved into a caravan
following the split and does not have space."
read the full story
Are you coming or going ?
"A patient is entering his psychiatrist's office when he sees an old friend.
'Hey Harry.' He asks, 'Are you coming or going?'
Harry replies: 'If I knew if I was coming or going, I would not be here.'"
'Hey Harry.' He asks, 'Are you coming or going?'
Harry replies: 'If I knew if I was coming or going, I would not be here.'"
It's to keep the elephants away
"The Psychiatrist was escorting a patient from one Psychiatric Hospital to another.
They were travelling by train, and the Psychiatrist was intrigued to see the patient
tearing up bits of paper and throwing them out of the window.
'What are you doing that for?' asked the Psychiatrist.
'It's to keep the elephants away !' answered the patient.
'But there are no elephants in Surrey,' pointed out the Psychiatrist.
'Effective, isn't it?' was the logical answer."
They were travelling by train, and the Psychiatrist was intrigued to see the patient
tearing up bits of paper and throwing them out of the window.
'What are you doing that for?' asked the Psychiatrist.
'It's to keep the elephants away !' answered the patient.
'But there are no elephants in Surrey,' pointed out the Psychiatrist.
'Effective, isn't it?' was the logical answer."
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Croatia Declares Crisis Over Halt In Gas Supply
Croatia's government declared a crisis on Wednesday, after the country's deliveries of Russian gas halted, so it could make distributors cut gas flows to industry and give priority to homes, schools and hospitals.
"Such a decision is a precondition to force local distributors to reduce gas supply to industrial users," Deputy Prime Minister Damir Polancec told reporters.
He said the economy ministry was preparing to rank consumers in terms of priority. "Citizens will certainly get the full quantities of gas they need," Polancec said.
Prime Minister Ivo Sanader said Croatia had 370 million cubic metres of gas in storage and that should last around three weeks.
Sanader said an option would be to extend the winter break for schools if the situation seriously worsened.
read the full story
"Such a decision is a precondition to force local distributors to reduce gas supply to industrial users," Deputy Prime Minister Damir Polancec told reporters.
He said the economy ministry was preparing to rank consumers in terms of priority. "Citizens will certainly get the full quantities of gas they need," Polancec said.
Prime Minister Ivo Sanader said Croatia had 370 million cubic metres of gas in storage and that should last around three weeks.
Sanader said an option would be to extend the winter break for schools if the situation seriously worsened.
read the full story
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Golfers
"A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Doctor said, 'I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Scotsman chimed in, 'Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!'
The Businessman called out, 'Move it you guys, time is money.'
The Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hello, George!' Said the Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens-keeper replied, 'Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them.'
The Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $350,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls.'
The Scotsman said, 'Why kin they no F****ing play at night?'"
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The Doctor said, 'I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Scotsman chimed in, 'Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!'
The Businessman called out, 'Move it you guys, time is money.'
The Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hello, George!' Said the Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens-keeper replied, 'Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them.'
The Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $350,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls.'
The Scotsman said, 'Why kin they no F****ing play at night?'"
via
If he's going to sing
Who knows what my dogs think about my singing ,they don't barkso maybe I'm not so bad.
Man left dangling trouserless and upside down after Vail ski lift mishap
"The picture show possibly the most embarrassing thing that could happen on a ski lift.
A skier at Colorado's luxury Vail ski resort was left suffering from a double case of exposure
after a freak accident left him dangling upside down and pantless from a ski lift."
read the full story
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Child elopers' Africa plan foiled
"The budding lovebirds, identified as Mika and Anna-Lena, packed bathing costumes,
sunglasses and a lilo and headed for the airport.
They even had the presence of mind to invite along an official witness
- Anna-Lena's seven-year-old sister.
The three got as far as Hanover railway station before police intervened.
The young couple were 'very much in love' and had decided to get married in Africa
'where it is warm', police spokesman Holger Jureczko told the AFP news agency."
read the full story
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