If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Cat and Toast
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright
Friday, March 21, 2008
Easter in Croatia
"Coloring and decorating Easter eggs, called 'pisanice', is among the oldest traditions. There are several ways of decorating Easter eggs. The best known method is to use hot liquid wax with the help of pencil-like instruments. After coloring, the wax is removed, revealing the splendid decorations. Before artificial coloring, eggs were colored by being boiled in water with onions, walnuts, roots and herbs. In order to get their shine, they were polished with oil before being placed in the basket. Another method of decorating, popular in continental Croatia, was to use a knife, as well as threads of silk and wool, while the third method was to use formic acid.
Eggs in the southern part of Croatia are traditionally colored in red and have white star or rosette shaped decorations, while decorations such as pine branches, flowers, circles and spirals are more common in other parts of the country. Finally, there is one more custom related to Easter eggs - the so-called 'tuca' (egg fight). Everyone would choose an egg from the basket and would hit it against their adversary's egg. The winner would be the person whose egg remained intact throughout the 'fight'."
.jpg)
Bad Gas Problem
"There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem
with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't
even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to
seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family
doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20
minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office,
leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked
her how he could help.
'Doctor,' she said, 'I have a very bad gas problem.' 'A gas
problem?' replied the doctor. 'Yes. Yesterday afternoon I had
lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er,
ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the
governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions.
Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas
emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?'
'Well,' said the doctor thoughtfully, 'I think the first thing
we're going to do is give you a hearing test.'"
link
with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't
even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to
seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family
doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20
minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office,
leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked
her how he could help.
'Doctor,' she said, 'I have a very bad gas problem.' 'A gas
problem?' replied the doctor. 'Yes. Yesterday afternoon I had
lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er,
ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the
governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions.
Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas
emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?'
'Well,' said the doctor thoughtfully, 'I think the first thing
we're going to do is give you a hearing test.'"
link
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
America Protests Against War in Iraq
The protests against the war in Iraq were mostly peaceful, which did not prevent the police to arrest some 200 people across the U.S.
link
Pair dress in 'dead dog' jumpers
"Beth and Brian Willis lost their white Samoyed, called Kara, 12 years ago and Swedish Lapphund, Penny, in 2002.
After seeing a picture of Princess Diana wearing a dog fur stole at Crufts, they collected thousands of dog hairs from brushes and carpets.
The pair said the his and hers dog memorials were 'warm and waterproof'."
link
Poor Beggar
"'I was in a very generous mood today,' a woman says to her friend.
'I gave a poor beggar $25.'
'Thats a lot of money to give away,' says her friend. 'What did your husband say?'
'He said, 'Thank you'. '"
link
'I gave a poor beggar $25.'
'Thats a lot of money to give away,' says her friend. 'What did your husband say?'
'He said, 'Thank you'. '"
link
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Arthur C. Clarke - dies in Sri Lanka
"Sir Arthur Charles Clarke, (16 December 1917 – 19 March 2008"
link
Arthur C. Clarke formulated the following three "laws" of prediction:
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right.
When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Vulcan salute
The Vulcan salute is a hand gesture consisting of a raised hand, palm forward with the fingers parted between the middle and ring finger, and the thumb extended. The salute first appeared on the original Star Trek series in the second season opening episode, 'Amok Time'. It was devised by Leonard Nimoy, the actor who played the half-Vulcan Mr. Spock. The gesture is famously difficult for most people to do without practice, and actors on the original show reportedly often had to position their fingers off-screen with the other hand, before raising their hand into frame. This stems from the fact that the ring finger lacks a separate muscle apart from the pinkie finger- raising the ring finger alone without assistance from the other hand is impossible for most people. It is also said that this gesture is easier to perform with the non-dominant hand(i.e. if one is right handed, it is easier to do left handed)."
link
Star Trek Quote
"Act, and you shall have dinner; wait, and you shall be dinner.
-Gowron, Klingon proverb, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine"
link
Blowing water bubbles
The Beluga Whale or White Whale (Delphinapterus leucas) is an Arctic and sub-Arctic species of cetacean. It is one of two members of the family Monodontidae, along with the Narwhal. This marine mammal is commonly referred to simply as the Beluga or Sea Canary due to its high pitched squeaks. It is up to 5 metres in length and an unmistakable all white in color with a distinctive melon-shaped head.link
Monday, March 17, 2008
The Aliens
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
What Is Intelligence, Anyway?
When I was in the army, I received the kind of aptitude test that all soldiers took and, against a normal of 100, scored 160. No one at the base had ever seen a figure like that, and for two hours they made a big fuss over me.
(It didn't mean anything. The next day I was still a buck private with KP - kitchen police - as my highest duty.)
All my life I've been registering scores like that, so that I have the complacent feeling that I'm highly intelligent, and I expect other people to think so too.
Actually, though, don't such scores simply mean that I am very good at answering the type of academic questions that are considered worthy of answers by people who make up the intelligence tests - people with intellectual bents similar to mine?
For instance, I had an auto-repair man once, who, on these intelligence tests, could not possibly have scored more than 80, by my estimate. I always took it for granted that I was far more intelligent than he was.
Yet, when anything went wrong with my car I hastened to him with it, watched him anxiously as he explored its vitals, and listened to his pronouncements as though they were divine oracles - and he always fixed my car.
Well, then, suppose my auto-repair man devised questions for an intelligence test.
Or suppose a carpenter did, or a farmer, or, indeed, almost anyone but an academician. By every one of those tests, I'd prove myself a moron, and I'd be a moron, too.
In a world where I could not use my academic training and my verbal talents but had to do something intricate or hard, working with my hands, I would do poorly.
My intelligence, then, is not absolute but is a function of the society I live in and of the fact that a small subsection of that society has managed to foist itself on the rest as an arbiter of such matters.
Consider my auto-repair man, again.
He had a habit of telling me jokes whenever he saw me.
One time he raised his head from under the automobile hood to say: "Doc, a deaf-and-mute guy went into a hardware store to ask for some nails. He put two fingers together on the counter and made hammering motions with the other hand.
"The clerk brought him a hammer. He shook his head and pointed to the two fingers he was hammering. The clerk brought him nails. He picked out the sizes he wanted, and left. Well, doc, the next guy who came in was a blind man. He wanted scissors. How do you suppose he asked for them?"
Indulgently, I lifted by right hand and made scissoring motions with my first two fingers.
Whereupon my auto-repair man laughed raucously and said, "Why, you dumb jerk, He used his voice and asked for them."
Then he said smugly, "I've been trying that on all my customers today." "Did you catch many?" I asked. "Quite a few," he said, "but I knew for sure I'd catch you."
"Why is that?" I asked. "Because you're so goddamned educated, doc, I knew you couldn't be very smart."
And I have an uneasy feeling he had something there.
By Isaac Asimov
link
(It didn't mean anything. The next day I was still a buck private with KP - kitchen police - as my highest duty.)
All my life I've been registering scores like that, so that I have the complacent feeling that I'm highly intelligent, and I expect other people to think so too.
Actually, though, don't such scores simply mean that I am very good at answering the type of academic questions that are considered worthy of answers by people who make up the intelligence tests - people with intellectual bents similar to mine?
For instance, I had an auto-repair man once, who, on these intelligence tests, could not possibly have scored more than 80, by my estimate. I always took it for granted that I was far more intelligent than he was.
Yet, when anything went wrong with my car I hastened to him with it, watched him anxiously as he explored its vitals, and listened to his pronouncements as though they were divine oracles - and he always fixed my car.
Well, then, suppose my auto-repair man devised questions for an intelligence test.
Or suppose a carpenter did, or a farmer, or, indeed, almost anyone but an academician. By every one of those tests, I'd prove myself a moron, and I'd be a moron, too.
In a world where I could not use my academic training and my verbal talents but had to do something intricate or hard, working with my hands, I would do poorly.
My intelligence, then, is not absolute but is a function of the society I live in and of the fact that a small subsection of that society has managed to foist itself on the rest as an arbiter of such matters.
Consider my auto-repair man, again.
He had a habit of telling me jokes whenever he saw me.
One time he raised his head from under the automobile hood to say: "Doc, a deaf-and-mute guy went into a hardware store to ask for some nails. He put two fingers together on the counter and made hammering motions with the other hand.
"The clerk brought him a hammer. He shook his head and pointed to the two fingers he was hammering. The clerk brought him nails. He picked out the sizes he wanted, and left. Well, doc, the next guy who came in was a blind man. He wanted scissors. How do you suppose he asked for them?"
Indulgently, I lifted by right hand and made scissoring motions with my first two fingers.
Whereupon my auto-repair man laughed raucously and said, "Why, you dumb jerk, He used his voice and asked for them."
Then he said smugly, "I've been trying that on all my customers today." "Did you catch many?" I asked. "Quite a few," he said, "but I knew for sure I'd catch you."
"Why is that?" I asked. "Because you're so goddamned educated, doc, I knew you couldn't be very smart."
And I have an uneasy feeling he had something there.
By Isaac Asimov
link
The Ultimate iPod Accessory - The Air Poo
"The Air Poo is a toilet, with a built in iPod dock and a MacBook Air docking slot.
It features integrated speakers, a heated seat for extra comfort and a multi touch flusher.
The Air Poo should be released around summer 2008 (Honest!), no word on pricing as yet."
link
Sunday, March 16, 2008
LOOKING TO SHARE MY APPARTMENT WITH SOMEONE LOVELY
I am an elderly lady, in my 70's. I am looking for someone lovely to live in the second bedroom(lovely people only). I am not thrilled about living with someone but I could use the extra cash. I have only one rule. You must wear a belt I designed that has bells all over it. I do this so I know when you are in the appartment and where in the appartment you are.
If you have friends over, they must wear the device as well. I only have 2, so no more than 1 friend over."
link
How To Be Politically Correct
How to be politically correct about women:
1. She’s not doll, babe or sweety, she’s “a person gifted with breasts”.
2. She’s not easy, she’s just “accessible horizontally”.
3. Not a dumb blond, only a “a person with brightly colored hair who hasn’t kept herself informed”.
4. She’s not the ex, just “a person whose company I enjoyed”.
5. She’s not bugging you, she only “verbally repeats herself”.
6. She’s not a hooker you picked off the highway, she’s just a “a provider with discounted prices”.
7. She’s not a bad cook, she’s “only compatible with the microwave oven”.
8. She’s not wearing many jewels, she’s just “burdened with metal”.
9. She’s not a narcissist, she’s only “over preoccupied by her qualities”.
10. She’s not gotten fat, she’s just “went over her metabolic threshold”.
11. She’s not teasing or flirting, she’s just “engaging in artificial stimulation”.
12. She’s not anorexic, only “preeminently skeleton-like”.
13. She doesn’t hate football or sports, she’s just “ignorant, from an athletic point of view”.
14. She’s not just cold nor frigid, you can call her “inaccessible from a thermal point of view”.
15. She doesn’t have a lot of make-up, she just “reached cosmetic saturation”.
How to be politically correct about men:
1. He’s not an alcoholic, he just “developed an impressive quality of storing alcohol”.
2. He’s not a terrible dancer but merely “overly caucasian”.
3. He’s not wondering all the times, he’s only “exploring alternative destinations”.
4. He’s not going bald, he’s had “regressive pilosity”.
5. That’s not a hole in his pants, it’s only “a back cleavage”.
link
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Lemon Squeeze
A religious teenage girl went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young girl said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young girl asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
'No, but it'll wipe that smile off your face,' the priest replied."
link
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young girl said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young girl asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
'No, but it'll wipe that smile off your face,' the priest replied."
link
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)