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Thursday, November 29, 2007
Bond, James Bond
A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I am here alone.
Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
007 taps, taps his watch, .. .......
and says 'Damn thing must be an hour fast "
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The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I am here alone.
Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
007 taps, taps his watch, .. .......
and says 'Damn thing must be an hour fast "
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Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Statler and Waldorf
STATLER: I wonder if there really is life on another planet.WALDORF: Why do you care? You don’t have a life on this one?
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Oh God - joke
"Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, 'George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?' George replied, 'God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!' 'Wow,' commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!' A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. 'Thelma,' he said, 'George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?' Thelma replied, 'Oh God! He's peeing in the fridge again!'"
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Marriage - Jokes
"Policeman: I am sorry to have to tell you this Mr Brown,
but you wife has just fallen into the wishing well and drowned.
Mr Browm: It works!
Wife: What do you mean coming home half drunk at this time of night?
Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money.
Husband: Let's go out on the town tonight and have some fun.
Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave the front door open.
It first occured to me that our marriage might be in trouble when my wife
won an all expenses paid trip for two to Hawaii - and she went twice.
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife
to buy a life insurance policy.
'Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow,' he said.
'What would you get?'
'Oh, a Labrador dog, I think,' replied the housewife.
'They're so well-behaved.
My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday.
Missing: wife and dog.
Reward for dog."
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but you wife has just fallen into the wishing well and drowned.
Mr Browm: It works!
Wife: What do you mean coming home half drunk at this time of night?
Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money.
Husband: Let's go out on the town tonight and have some fun.
Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave the front door open.
It first occured to me that our marriage might be in trouble when my wife
won an all expenses paid trip for two to Hawaii - and she went twice.
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife
to buy a life insurance policy.
'Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow,' he said.
'What would you get?'
'Oh, a Labrador dog, I think,' replied the housewife.
'They're so well-behaved.
My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday.
Missing: wife and dog.
Reward for dog."
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Could I See Just One?
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
'Hi, is Tony home?'
'No, he went to the store.'
'Well, you mind if I wait?' 'No, come in.'
They sit down and the friend says 'You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts
I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.'
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws
a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says
'They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them.
I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.'
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe,
and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table,
and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says
'You know, your weird friend Chris came over.'
Tony thinks about this for a second and says
'Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?' "
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'Hi, is Tony home?'
'No, he went to the store.'
'Well, you mind if I wait?' 'No, come in.'
They sit down and the friend says 'You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts
I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.'
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws
a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says
'They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them.
I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.'
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe,
and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table,
and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says
'You know, your weird friend Chris came over.'
Tony thinks about this for a second and says
'Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?' "
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Tuesday, November 27, 2007
No Anesthetic
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, 'Doc, I'm in a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf,
so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already.
I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man
asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.
So the dentist asked him, 'Which tooth is it, sir?'
The man turned to his wife and said: 'Open your mouth, honey, and show him.'"
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The man said to the dentist, 'Doc, I'm in a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf,
so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already.
I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man
asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.
So the dentist asked him, 'Which tooth is it, sir?'
The man turned to his wife and said: 'Open your mouth, honey, and show him.'"
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Lick,Lick !
That's what the cat said to the canary when he swallowed him - 'You'll be all right.'
Alvah Bessie
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Taxi driver in Heaven
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion.
It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest.
'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion?
After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.
' 'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.' "
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St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion.
It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest.
'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion?
After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.
' 'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.' "
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Baby Turtle
"A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.
About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end.
He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch.
On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off,
walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned,
spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch.
Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree,
sighed and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds.
Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, 'Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?' "
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About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end.
He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch.
On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off,
walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned,
spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch.
Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree,
sighed and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds.
Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, 'Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?' "
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Talking Dog for Sale
"This guy sees a sign in front of a house, 'Talking Dog for Sale.'
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the mutt replies.
'So, what's your story?'
The mutt looks up and says 'Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured
a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says 'Ten dollars.'
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, 'This dog is amazing.
Why on earth are you selling him?'
The owner replies, 'Because he's such a liar. "
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He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the mutt replies.
'So, what's your story?'
The mutt looks up and says 'Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured
a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says 'Ten dollars.'
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, 'This dog is amazing.
Why on earth are you selling him?'
The owner replies, 'Because he's such a liar. "
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Monday, November 26, 2007
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Deadbeat in a Bar
"A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down.
After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, 'No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it.
' So the bartender said, 'Well, would you like a cigarette?'
But the man said, 'No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it.
' The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool.
Again the man said, 'No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it.
As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son.
' The bartender said, 'Your only son, I'm guessing.'"
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After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, 'No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it.
' So the bartender said, 'Well, would you like a cigarette?'
But the man said, 'No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it.
' The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool.
Again the man said, 'No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it.
As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son.
' The bartender said, 'Your only son, I'm guessing.'"
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Wedding Anniversary Jokes
A man was talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary.
The friend asked, 'What did you do for your 25th?'
He said, 'I took my wife to Hawaii.'
The friend then asked, 'What are you thinking about for your 50th?'
He said, 'Well I was thinking of bringing her back.'
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks
if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, 'No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.
Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.
Tomorrow I would've been a free man!' "
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The friend asked, 'What did you do for your 25th?'
He said, 'I took my wife to Hawaii.'
The friend then asked, 'What are you thinking about for your 50th?'
He said, 'Well I was thinking of bringing her back.'
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks
if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, 'No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.
Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.
Tomorrow I would've been a free man!' "
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Why did you get married ?
"'You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common,
' said the new tenant's neighbor.
'Why on earth did you get married?'
'I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract',' was the reply.
'He wasn't pregnant and I was.'"
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' said the new tenant's neighbor.
'Why on earth did you get married?'
'I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract',' was the reply.
'He wasn't pregnant and I was.'"
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Sunday, November 25, 2007
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