"Why is the government like a prostitute?
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Taking Something
Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
'It's terrible,' she said, 'I haven't moved my bowels in a week.'
'I see. Have you done anything about it?' asked the doctor.
'Naturally,' she replied, 'I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning
and again at night.'
'No,' the doctor said, 'I mean do you take anything?'
'Naturally,' she answered, 'I take a book.' "
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'It's terrible,' she said, 'I haven't moved my bowels in a week.'
'I see. Have you done anything about it?' asked the doctor.
'Naturally,' she replied, 'I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning
and again at night.'
'No,' the doctor said, 'I mean do you take anything?'
'Naturally,' she answered, 'I take a book.' "
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Eye
"A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining
and put his hand out the window to check.
As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from, in time to see a young woman looking down.
'Is this yours?' he asked.
She said, 'Yes, could you bring it up?'
The man agreed... On arrival she was profuse in her thanks
and offered the man a drink.
As she was very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, 'I'm about to have dinner.
There's plenty; would you like to join me?'
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, 'I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?'
The man hesitated then said, 'Do you act like this with every man you meet?'
'No,' she replied, 'Only those who catch my eye.'"
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and put his hand out the window to check.
As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from, in time to see a young woman looking down.
'Is this yours?' he asked.
She said, 'Yes, could you bring it up?'
The man agreed... On arrival she was profuse in her thanks
and offered the man a drink.
As she was very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, 'I'm about to have dinner.
There's plenty; would you like to join me?'
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, 'I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?'
The man hesitated then said, 'Do you act like this with every man you meet?'
'No,' she replied, 'Only those who catch my eye.'"
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Blonde Father
"A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.
One day, the wife started having contractions,
so the husband rushed her to the hospital.
He held her hand as she went through a trying birth.
In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, 'All right, who's the other father!?!'"
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One day, the wife started having contractions,
so the husband rushed her to the hospital.
He held her hand as she went through a trying birth.
In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, 'All right, who's the other father!?!'"
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Friday, November 23, 2007
horoscope quote
"I believe in horoscopes.
I was born under the sign of the Ram, which means I'm headstrong,
don't like people telling me what to do.
Loretta Lynn"
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I'm looking at the moon
"This young lady, a flighty young thing, got a job cleaning the bank windows in the evening after the bank closed for business. Anyway, she was up this ladder, cleaning good and proper and as she was in the habit of wearing no knickers, every young man who would come along would stop and stare for a second or two. But this evening an old geezer came along and stayed looking. 'What are you looking at' she said. 'I'm looking at the moon' he said. 'Well, if you were here last night, you would have seen a man in it' she said. "
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Can Opener
"As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener. A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one. In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point. In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and 'pop!' In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, 'Assume the can is open, assume the can is open...' "
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Thursday, November 22, 2007
Senior's Lament
A few days ago I was tooling along through a neighborhood on my wheel chair
when I noticed a young boy sitting on the retaining wall in front of his house,
crying as if his heart was breaking.
I pulled alongside the youngster and asked, 'Son, what's the matter?
Why are you crying so?'
'I'm... cry... crying 'cause I can't do what my 20-year-old brother does.' he said.
So I sat there and cried with him."
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when I noticed a young boy sitting on the retaining wall in front of his house,
crying as if his heart was breaking.
I pulled alongside the youngster and asked, 'Son, what's the matter?
Why are you crying so?'
'I'm... cry... crying 'cause I can't do what my 20-year-old brother does.' he said.
So I sat there and cried with him."
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Will it take Me ?
"Two blondes are waiting on a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door.
One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver:
'Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'
The bus driver shakes his head and says, 'No, I'm Sorry.'
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters:
'Will it take ME?' "
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One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver:
'Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'
The bus driver shakes his head and says, 'No, I'm Sorry.'
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters:
'Will it take ME?' "
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Why did that upset you ?
"Attorney to witness:
'What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?'
'What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?'
Witness:
'Where am I Cathy?'
Attorney:
'And why did that upset you?'
Witness:
'Because my name is Susan.'"
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'Where am I Cathy?'
Attorney:
'And why did that upset you?'
Witness:
'Because my name is Susan.'"
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Wednesday, November 21, 2007
What is a Cat ?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats."
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They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats."
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Cats
Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you're hungry, eat.
When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam.
When you go to the vet's, pee on your owner.
~Gary Smith
I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not.
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