Racism

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"Racism is a learned affliction and anything that is learned can be unlearned"
Jane Elliott

Investigating a terrible accident

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions. The police chief asks, 'What were the people doing on the bus?' The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun. The chief asks, 'Yeah, but what else were they doing?'. The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle. The chief says, 'Oh! They were drinking, huh??!' The chief continues, 'Okay, were they doing anything else?' The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking. The chief loses his patience, 'If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?' The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel"
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Dr. Jones

"There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, 'Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!' "
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Owned

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Marriage joke

" I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different cars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their own computers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses and Home Pages. They say they're doing everything they can to keep their marriage together."
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Marriage Trap

"Man walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says 'Single are you?'
The man replies very sarcastically 'How did you guess?'
She replies 'because you're ugly.'"
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Hillary Darth Clinton

I sense something; a presence I've not felt since...

Bar humor

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An Irishman's customs

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.' The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking.'"

Emotional beer glasses

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Joke of the Day

"John:'Doctor, lately I hear only half as good as I suppose to'.
Doctor:'I don't understand that, but lets try a small test.
Say after me: eighty-eight'.
John: 'Fourty-four'."
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Ultimate Destiny

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Luciano Pavarotti sings "Nessun Dorma"

Bravissimo tenore!

Dungeons & Dragons Baby

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A Baby on the Way

For weeks, a 6-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The 6-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, 'Tommy, whatever became of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?' Tommy burst into tears and confessed, 'I think Mommy ate it!' "
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Baby Geek

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Baby needs milk

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Sailor Test

The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor.
To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, 'What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?
' The baby sailor said, 'I'd grab a torpedo and sink it.
' 'Where would you get the torpedo?'
'The same place you got your battleship!'"

Yawn

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Bill - Hillary Clinton

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"Of course, the big question political experts are asking now is what role will Bill Clinton play in Hillary's campaign. I'm guessing 'the cheating husband.'" --Jay Leno

The Pig with a Wooden Leg

A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got off the main highway. As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly - it looked like a pig with a wooden leg!

He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the farmyard, where he was met by the farmer. "Excuse me," the traveler said. "I was just driving by and looking at all your pigs, and I noticed something that I just had to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is there really a pig out there with a wooden leg?" The farmer smiled. "Oh, that would be old Caesar you saw. He's the finest pig a man could ever hope to have - and smart! Well, let me tell you a little about that pig. You see that barge down there on the river? That's a mining dredge, taking out platinum ore. Old Caesar sniffed out the vein and showed us how to set it up. Now that dredge brings me in about $120,000 every year.

"There's another thing, too, a little more personal. One night a couple of years ago I got to drinking and I guess I had more than I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. That started a fire in the house and old Caesar smelled the smoke. He came in the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up and got me out. "There is no question about it - that night old Caesar saved all our lives and you know that is not the sort of thing a man is going to forget too easily."

"Why," the traveler said, "this is all amazing! I have never heard of a pig like this before! This is fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg? Was he in a wreck or something?"

The farmer laughed and said, "Well, naturally, when you have a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at one time!"

Fly

"What did one fly say to the other?
'Pardon me, is this stool taken?'"
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Day of Mourning in Croatia

Monday Is Day of Mourning in Croatia. In the aftermath of the deaths of 6 firemen on Kornati, the Croatian government declared Monday, September 3, Day of Mourning.

Psychoanalysis & Men

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there. "
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The Social Psychology Experiment

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"


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Jokes about Monkeys

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Brain Transplant

A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the vet.

All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"

"Standard pricing practice," said the vet. "The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!".

Raise your hand....

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