via
Saturday, January 31, 2009
In the back seat
"A foal sits in the back seat of a Fiat Uno near Warsaw, Poland.
The driver had bought the pony at a market and was driving it to his farm.
Police fined him £50 and confiscated the foal until he can arrange
for a proper livestock transporter to pick it up"
viaThe driver had bought the pony at a market and was driving it to his farm.
Police fined him £50 and confiscated the foal until he can arrange
for a proper livestock transporter to pick it up"
I don’t think so
"Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
“Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad.” Kate said.
Paul yells back, “Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so.”
A little while later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”
“Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so, ” Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”
Paul quickly replies, “Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so.”
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.
He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, “Babe, how did you fix all this.”
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
“Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad.” Kate said.
Paul yells back, “Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so.”
A little while later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”
“Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so, ” Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”
Paul quickly replies, “Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so.”
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.
He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, “Babe, how did you fix all this.”
She looked at him and said, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.
He fixed everything.
I asked him what I could do for payment.
He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.”
Paul says, “Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?”
Kate looks at him and replies, “Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!”
Friday, January 30, 2009
Simply purrfect: A wildlife photographer's last labour of love
"They are not, admittedly, the most intimidating of felines for a wildlife photographer to capture. In fact, with their fluffy coats, bright eyes and soft paws, they're absolute pussycats.
But these enchanting pictures are a poignant testament to the skill and patience of the woman who captured them, the nature photographer Jane Burton, who died in 2007 after a brave battle against cancer."
the full story here
Statue
"A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry!' she said, 'Stand in the corner.' She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you to.' she whispered. 'Just pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this, honey?' the husband asked as he entered the room. 'Oh, it's just a statue.' she replied nonchalantly. 'The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too.' No more was said about the 'statue.' Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. 'Here.' he said to the 'statue.' 'Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.'"
Slide under the door
"A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.
After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says
'I have some bad news. You have HAGS.'
'What is HAGS' the man asks.
'It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis' says the doctor.
'Oh my God' says the man. 'What are you going to do?'
'We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.'
'Is that going to help me' says the man.
'No' says the doctor. 'But it's the only food we can think of that
we can slide under the door.'"
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wasn't that what the other guy did?
"Obama still has not gotten used to the White House, apparently. This is true.
Today, on his way into the Oval Office, he tried to mistakenly open a window
that he thought was a door. That’s true. Yeah.
White House employees said at first it made them laugh,
then a wave of nostalgia washed over them."
via
Otter tours Scotland in postbag
"Mr Wilson was travelling on the A7 road just north of Stow in the Borders in his 1999 Mini Cooper when he spotted Orla lying at the side of the road.
He explained: 'She was frozen and I did not give her much of a chance to be honest.
'It looked as if she had either been abandoned or her mother had been hit by a car.'
Mr Wilson said the otter had come from the nearby Gala Water and 'looked terrified from the noise of the cars and would soon have been hit'.
'I popped her into the mailbag I had in the car and carried on up the A7 and just kept hearing little squeaks and sucking noises to imply she was hungry,' he said.
'I stopped at Tesco at Dalkeith and bought some kitten milk and fed it through the tube of a ballpoint pen.
'She seemed happy enough and during our journey she kept crawling up my neck looking for more warmth.'"
the full story here
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Innocent
"A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap.
That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman,
'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'"
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap.
That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman,
'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'"
Blushing
"Blushing is the biggest gap in evolutionary theory, say scientists who admit
they can't explain why people turn red when they are embarrassed."
"We're the only primate that (blushes) in response to embarrassing situations, shame,
or when caught in a lie and one wonders why we needed such an obvious signal to communicate these self-conscious feelings.
the full story here
About old age
"You know, I have done a lot of thinking about old age, and I have come to the conclusion that it has no advantages, no positive side to it. None at all.
Except one – a single advantage. You can say 'I have made it so far – how about you?'.
Ephraim Kishon
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Donut shop
"Me: “How can I help you, sir?”
Customer: “I’ll take a large coffee and something for my wife…maybe an apple cruller?”
(He pays for his stuff and I see him walk out to a car parked right in front of the store.
He gets in, but the car doesn’t move. After about a minute, he storms back into the store.)
Customer: *loudly* “What kind of donut do you recommend for a hatchet-faced old witch?!
Me: “Uh….”"
via
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
"There are three things men can do with women:
love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature."
~Stephen Stills
~Stephen Stills
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