via
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
About Crisis
"This crisis has actually affected the way children play. Like when kids play Monopoly now,
the dumbest kid is the banker."
"Hey, before we begin, I want to warn people in Nigeria who might be watching our show.
If you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam."
JAY LENO
the dumbest kid is the banker."
"Hey, before we begin, I want to warn people in Nigeria who might be watching our show.
If you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam."
JAY LENO
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction. '
2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B
syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as
soon as I'm given any.'
3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'
4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage --
what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
Have a great new year!
via
2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B
syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as
soon as I'm given any.'
3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'
4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage --
what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
Have a great new year!
via
Firefighters use baby oxygen masks to revive six cats overcome by smoke in house blaze
"Firefighters used baby oxygen masks to revive six pet cats after the moggies were overcome by smoke when a blaze ripped through a house.
The crews used breathing apparatus adaptors usually reserved for babies to revive the animals who were found lying unconscious in the smoke-logged building."
read the full story
Monday, December 29, 2008
The adorable newborn animals that can sit in the palm of your hand
"A brood of 13 orphaned ducklings receiving tender loving care at the hospital this month."
"A four-week old fox cub recovering at hospital in May after suffering a broken back leg."
more here
Sunday, December 28, 2008
A Famous Chinese Detective
"A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.
So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm,
to watch and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he. I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
No Fee."
So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm,
to watch and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he. I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
No Fee."
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Taking one week off
I'd like to take a moment to wish all of you here a Happy Holiday season no matter what you celebrate.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
A Blonde's Revenge
"A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The woman jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this.' She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, 'The dog is still barking,what in the hell have you been doing?'
The blonde says, 'I put the dog in OUR backyard,
let's just see how THEY like it........!"
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The woman jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this.' She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, 'The dog is still barking,what in the hell have you been doing?'
The blonde says, 'I put the dog in OUR backyard,
let's just see how THEY like it........!"
via
Monday, December 22, 2008
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