link
Thursday, July 31, 2008
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Catholic Shampoo..
"Shopping in a local grocery store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have a beer, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had an obviously surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
'The curlers are on me.'"
link
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have a beer, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had an obviously surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
'The curlers are on me.'"
link
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Sailor Test
The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, 'What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?'
The baby sailor said, 'I'd grab a torpedo and sink it.'
'Where would you get the torpedo?'
'The same place you got your battleship!'"
link
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Teach a man to fish
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."
link
Will it hurt ?
"Patient: (to cosmetic-surgeon) 'Will it hurt, doctor?
Surgeon: 'Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown'."
link
Surgeon: 'Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown'."
link
Monday, July 28, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Problems With Blogging
These days I have problems with Internet connection, because I'm not at home. Everything returns to normal after 08.16. I really hope that until then I will not craze with web 'n' walk sh#t ,sorry stick.
Sunburn Treatment
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns..
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, ‘What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?
The doctor replied, ‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.
link
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, ‘What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?
The doctor replied, ‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.
link
The Last Deal
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong
well after midnight when one of the players returned from
the bathroom with an urgent report.
"Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen
making love to your wife."
"OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively
the last deal."
well after midnight when one of the players returned from
the bathroom with an urgent report.
"Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen
making love to your wife."
"OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively
the last deal."
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Piglet with monkey's face
Villagers were shocked after a monkey-like piglet was born in China.
Curious locals flocked to the home of owner Feng Changlin after news of the piglet spread in Fengzhang village, Xiping township.
'It's hideous. No one will be willing to buy it, and it scares the family to even look at it!' Feng told Oriental Today.
He says the piglet looks just like a monkey, with two thin lips, a small nose and two big eyes. Its rear legs are also much longer than its forelegs, causing it to jump instead of walk."
link
Friday, July 25, 2008
Breasts
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini-
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money...
"Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money...
"Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
IRS
"A businessman, on his deathbed, called his friend and said, 'Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated.'
'And what,' his friend asked, 'do you want me to do with your ashes?'
The businessman said, 'Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.''"
link
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.'
'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.'
'I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'"
link
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.'
'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.'
'I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'"
link
Monday, July 21, 2008
Miss Canine Costa Rica 2008
"Sammy, a female Yorkshire Terrier, is crowned as the winner of 'Miss Canine Costa Rica 2008' in the adult category in San Jose on July 20, 2008. In total, some 300 dogs participated in the two-day contest being organized by 'Pets y mas' (Pets and more), a magazine specializing in dogs."
link
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Dressed in meat
Actor Mislav Cavajda, dressed in meat, performs in the drama the "Bakhe"
during Split summer festivities, July 19, 2008.
Damnit
“Uh Oh!” said Pauly reading a letter.
Maury, standing near him, said, “Bad news?”
“Disturbing news, anyway,” said Pauly. “It’s from someone who says if I don’t stay away from his wife, he’ll kill me.”
“In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife,” commented Maury, reasonably.
“Gladly, but who? The letter is anonymous!”
Maury, standing near him, said, “Bad news?”
“Disturbing news, anyway,” said Pauly. “It’s from someone who says if I don’t stay away from his wife, he’ll kill me.”
“In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife,” commented Maury, reasonably.
“Gladly, but who? The letter is anonymous!”
Portable Pet Water Bowl
To give your dog a drink, just snap the bottle into the water pan. Hold the bottle with one hand. Squeeze the bottle and water streams into the pan. Dogs lap up the running stream. You never have to fill the pan. Stop squeezing and the automatic valve shuts off the water stream. No spills, no leaks, no wasted water, no hassles, no backwash. Stores conveniently in glove box, bag, or even a purse. link
Birdcage Backpack Will Get Both You and Your Bird Beat Up
This is a backpack that doubles as a birdcage. You can carry your bird around with you.
Genie on the beach
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Saturday, July 19, 2008
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