Streets of TisnoWe're taking 3 weeks off.Thank you for your patience and continued readership.
All the best !
Friday, July 27, 2007
Are you feeling better now ?
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A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
Thursday, July 26, 2007
The Camel Joke
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There's this guy walking along a road to town with his camel. Along the way, a guy stops and ask's if he needs a ride to town. The guy say's, yeah. He hop's in, the driver say's, what about your camel. The guy said, Oh, he's ok, he know's his way to town. So the driver start's driving, he get's up to about 45 MPH, and he looks in his rearview mirror and see's the camel right behind him. He say's to the guy, hey buddy ya know your camel is behind us? The guy say's, yeah it's ok, he knows his way to town, speed up a little. The driver speed's up to about 55 MPH, he's driving along, and look's behind him and again see's the camel. And say's to the guy, your camel is still there. The guy say's, he's know's the way, speed up a little. So the driver speed's up to 65 MPH. He drive's for a bit, and look's behind him, and look's at the guy and say's, hey buddy your camel he's looking pretty rough. The guy say's, oh yeah, what's he doing. The driver say's, well, his ear's are folded back and his tongue is hanging out.. The guy say's, HIS TONGUE IS HANGING OUT,, TO WHICH SIDE. The driver say's to the left side. The guy say's, YOU'D BETTER HOLD YOUR COURSE, HE'S FIXIN TO PASS YA..!
Need some shade, darling?
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True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
Erich Segal
Fish faces
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Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.
Mark Twain
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Great Sex
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, 'I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped.'
His buddy said, 'I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled.'
So the that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, 'Well? Did you take my suggestion?'
'Yes, I did,' said Joe.
'Did she like it?' His buddy asked.
'Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!' "
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His buddy said, 'I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled.'
So the that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, 'Well? Did you take my suggestion?'
'Yes, I did,' said Joe.
'Did she like it?' His buddy asked.
'Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!' "
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Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Dog Joke
"A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around.
Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.
The blind man calmly replied, 'I'm just lookin' around.'"
Beer
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa
Joke of the Day
"A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
Pastor said, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'
My friend said, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'
Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'
He *whispered* back, 'I'm in the secret service.'"
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Pastor said, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'
My friend said, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'
Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'
He *whispered* back, 'I'm in the secret service.'"
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The Top 10
Here are the top 10 examples of the most unusual excuses employees offered their managers for arriving late to work:
1. Someone was following me, and I drove all around town trying to lose them.
2. My dog dialed 911, and the police wanted to question me about what "really" happened.
3. My girlfriend got mad and destroyed all of my undergarments.
4. I woke up and thought I was temporarily deaf.
5. I just wasn't "feelin' it" this morning.
6. I was up all night arguing with God.
7. A raccoon stole my work shoe off my porch.
8. I super-glued my eye thinking it was contact solution.
9. I was putting lotion on my face when my finger went up my nose causing a nose bleed.
10. A prostitute climbed into my car at a stop light, and I was afraid my wife would see her and think I was messing around... so I got out of the car.
1. Someone was following me, and I drove all around town trying to lose them.
2. My dog dialed 911, and the police wanted to question me about what "really" happened.
3. My girlfriend got mad and destroyed all of my undergarments.
4. I woke up and thought I was temporarily deaf.
5. I just wasn't "feelin' it" this morning.
6. I was up all night arguing with God.
7. A raccoon stole my work shoe off my porch.
8. I super-glued my eye thinking it was contact solution.
9. I was putting lotion on my face when my finger went up my nose causing a nose bleed.
10. A prostitute climbed into my car at a stop light, and I was afraid my wife would see her and think I was messing around... so I got out of the car.
Monday, July 23, 2007
A Day At The Beach
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nudist beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had bigger boobs than his mother, so he asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean, but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger units than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks to her, the dumber he gets."
She told her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean, but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger units than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks to her, the dumber he gets."
Joke
Whats the diference between a whore with diareah and an epilectic farmer shucking corn?
Well .. the farmer shucks between fits and....
Well .. the farmer shucks between fits and....
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Fancy Watch
A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials.
The woman next to him says, 'Wow, that's a really fancy watch.'
Thanks, says the guy, 'It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically.'
'Rubbish,' says the girl.
'No, it's true,' says that guy.
'Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on.'
The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, 'Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on.'
'Well, its wrong,' says the girl, 'I do have panties on.'
'Damn,' says the guy, slapping his watch, 'it's an hour fast!'"
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The woman next to him says, 'Wow, that's a really fancy watch.'
Thanks, says the guy, 'It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically.'
'Rubbish,' says the girl.
'No, it's true,' says that guy.
'Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on.'
The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, 'Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on.'
'Well, its wrong,' says the girl, 'I do have panties on.'
'Damn,' says the guy, slapping his watch, 'it's an hour fast!'"
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Saturday, July 21, 2007
Love Dress
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing." he said
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing." he said
Friday, July 20, 2007
Blonde Robbery
A blonde was driving home when a guy pulled her over. The guy says, “Get out of the car and stand in this circle or something awful is going to happen to you.”
So, while the blonde is standing in the circle the guy is going through her car and transporting it to his car. Then the blonde started laughing hysterically. The guy asks, 'Why are you laughing? The blonde ignores him and he says, “Whatever…” and continues to rob her car.
The blonde starts laughing again. 'Why R U laughing again!' She again ignores him. Then just as the guy is about to drive away, the blonde starts laughing a third time
'Ok… that’s it… What’s your problem,” the guy shouts???
'Well, the blonde says, “When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle three times!
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So, while the blonde is standing in the circle the guy is going through her car and transporting it to his car. Then the blonde started laughing hysterically. The guy asks, 'Why are you laughing? The blonde ignores him and he says, “Whatever…” and continues to rob her car.
The blonde starts laughing again. 'Why R U laughing again!' She again ignores him. Then just as the guy is about to drive away, the blonde starts laughing a third time
'Ok… that’s it… What’s your problem,” the guy shouts???
'Well, the blonde says, “When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle three times!
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Give and Take
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, 'I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss.'
The man agrees and makes his first wish: 'I want lots of money.' Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, 'You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully.'
The man says, 'Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.' "
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The man agrees and makes his first wish: 'I want lots of money.' Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, 'You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully.'
The man says, 'Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.' "
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Joke of the Day
"A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
'Ah.....' said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. 'I see you are the father of two children.'
'That's what you think,' said the man scornfully. 'I'm the father of THREE children.'
The woman grinned and said, 'That's what YOU think'"
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'Ah.....' said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. 'I see you are the father of two children.'
'That's what you think,' said the man scornfully. 'I'm the father of THREE children.'
The woman grinned and said, 'That's what YOU think'"
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why we love children
"An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into
Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said,
'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come
in or stay out!''"
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into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into
Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said,
'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come
in or stay out!''"
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Thursday, July 19, 2007
Heat-wave expected to peak on Friday
The three-day heat-wave, that has been sweating Croatia all through the week, is expected to reach its peak on Friday, with temperatures ranging from 34-40°C.
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Getting a new deputy
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
"There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing.
Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in
return for granting each of them a wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, 'Ok, if you can
really grant wishes, than double my I.Q.'
The mermaid says, 'Done.'
Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing
it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, 'Triple my I.Q.'
The mermaid says, 'Done.'
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems
that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics,
chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he
says to the mermaid, 'Quintiple my I.Q.'
The mermaid looks at him and says, 'You know, I normally don't try to
change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd
reconsider.'
The guy says, 'Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if
you don't do it, I won't set you free.'
'Please,' says the mermaid. 'You don't know what you're asking...it'll
change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something
else...a million dollars, anything?'
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his
I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power.
So the mermaid sighed and said, 'Done.'
And he became a woman."
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Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in
return for granting each of them a wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, 'Ok, if you can
really grant wishes, than double my I.Q.'
The mermaid says, 'Done.'
Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing
it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, 'Triple my I.Q.'
The mermaid says, 'Done.'
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems
that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics,
chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he
says to the mermaid, 'Quintiple my I.Q.'
The mermaid looks at him and says, 'You know, I normally don't try to
change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd
reconsider.'
The guy says, 'Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if
you don't do it, I won't set you free.'
'Please,' says the mermaid. 'You don't know what you're asking...it'll
change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something
else...a million dollars, anything?'
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his
I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power.
So the mermaid sighed and said, 'Done.'
And he became a woman."
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