iPhone

Hi Steve Jobs !

This sucks , I want iPhone !

2001 a Space iPhone

In the park

Obi

I'm trying to clean some leaves from my dog.

Beauty treatment

Make it off the island

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore.
So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore."
So she swam out five miles, and got really tired.
She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it.
I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve."
So she attempts to swim out.
The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired.
After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it!
I think I'd better try to make it, too."
So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island.
The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!"
So she swam back.

exercise

Smart cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

The Spice Girls Reunite

Do you know : The Spice Girls really are getting back together?

OMG not again!!

Red Carpet

You're 40 When....

Dragutin Tadijanović

"Dragutin Tadijanović (November 4, 1905 - June 27, 2007) was a renowned Croatian poet."

THE POEM ABOUT QUINE AND A BIRD

Zrela,žuta, mirisava dunjaNa stablu visokuNeotrgnuta ostalaJesenasI uvenulaSa stabla mirisne dunjePticaOdletjela preko voćnjakaU šumu duboku, u šumu gustu, pustuNi dunje, ni pticeNemaNemaNi ptice, ni dunje.

Yellow quince full of odor was left on the tree this autumn and it withered.From the quince tree a bird flew away over the orchard into the deep, thick, deserted forest.There is no quince nor bird any more.}

Dental Joke

A woman goes to the dentist. When he bows to begin to work, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says,'Madam, I believe you have taken my private zone.'
The woman answers, 'Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we.'"

Hi to my dentist ! My jaw still is painful.

Bean Soup

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. 'Good heavens,' he said, 'what is this?'
'Why, it's bean soup,' she replied.
'I don't care what it has been,' he sputtered. 'What is it now?'"

Hungry Tigers

A woman's prayer

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man, who's not a creep;One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed, and when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end, and never attempt to shag my best friend.

And as I kneel and pray to my bed, I look at the creep you sent me instead.Amen.

Fear

Fear is an emotion indispensable for survival.
Hannah Arendt

Banned Commercial - Condoms

Doctor & Nurse

Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?"

Nurse: "No change yet."

Baby bear wants to live somewhere else

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly." "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does." The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." "You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. "Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

Hear me !

2007 Fireworks Festival, Zagreb

Did you like it?

Hanging onto the wrong job?

In the navy

'Mummy, Mummy. I was at the playground and Daddy and...' Mummy tells him to
slow down. She wants to hear the stop, so Little Johnny tells her.
'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt
Jane.
`I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped
her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy'
At this point Mummy cut him off and says, Johnny, this is such an interesting
story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on
Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts
his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down
on the seat and '... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.'

Paul sings Nessun Dorma

" Big Brother is watching you "

George Orwell Quotes

Labrador - dog walker

Two dogs posed on a bench.

Yesterday while we were walking we met a cute Labrador.

He approached Obi, took his leash,and tried to take him away.

He's owner noticed my worried look and told me not to worry,

her dog likes to take other dogs for a walk.

I laughed and asked if she could rent me her dog.

Message

Funny Horse

Preacher's Horse Racing Exploits

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00 This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE The Bishop was buried the next day.

An Atheist

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes.
He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
"OH MY GOD! ..." Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving ... As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around... "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" "VERY WELL." Said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed. ... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

A Senior Moment

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. "The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion: " Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"His friend replies: " A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?" "Nahhhh," growls the man."You know -the one that is red and has thorns." His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Sonoma-Marin Fair 2007

Elwood -cute or ugly ?

Sonoma-Marin Fair 2007

Frequent Sex

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day.Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year..... maybe on your anniversary.The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now.""What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked."Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom.... And she yells, 'Fuck You!!!!!' and I holler back, 'Fuck You too.'"

F*ck

How do you get three little old ladies to use the "F" word?

Get a fourth little old lady to yell "Bingo."

Ups

Addiction

Adders

After the earth dries out, Noah tells all the animals to 'go forth and multiply'.
However, two snakes, adders to be specific, complain to Noah that this is one thing they have never been able to do, hard as they have tried.
Undaunted, Noah instructs the snakes to go into the woods, make tables from the trunks of fallen trees and give it a try on the tabletops.
The snakes respond that they don't understand how this will help them to procreate whereupon Noah explains: "Well, even adders can multiply using log tables!"

Doggy

Death

A man went to heaven. He got his business taken care of with St. Pete and passed the gates... and suddenly he shrieked in horror and clutched St. Pete. St. Pete says "what's wrong, my child?" and the man points at a woman, terrified..."See?" he says, "There IS wife after death!!!!"

NewsMax.com: Late Night Jokes

The Vatican this week published something it’s calling the "Ten Commandments for Drivers.” It’s commandments you should follow while you drive.

They actually mention Lindsay Lohan by name.

Hillary Clinton has picked "You and I” by Celine Dion as her campaign theme song.

And in a related story, John McCain’s campaign song is also by Celine Dion — it’s the theme from "Titanic.”

Yorki puppy

Be careful with me I'm very fragile.

Birds

A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"

Two Dogs

The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The first dog says, "Oh, I was just checking my messages."

The Tonight Show: Standup comic Jo Koy

G.W.Bush - joke of course

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."

"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

Hot Day

Today is hot day in Zagreb and I feel like going for a ice cream but I can not.

I can only dream about ice cream.

Would you like to recieve first aid from these guys ?

Amerika

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is!

TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS : Maria!

How to Survive a Shark Attack

Keep your eye on the shark !

Hairstyles

Big dog, little dog, by Tyler Sipe

Greed

My! My! My!

Classroom Dialogue

TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.

Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Snoring Husband And Dog

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep,his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally,unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, sure enough, the dog stops snoring.The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into The bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says: "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!

Yorki

I'm fancy!

The Video Rental

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild.
Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain."I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static," she says."Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies."Head Cleaner," Mary replies.

This joke is maybe not so funny but it's first one about my present work.

gossip gang

Talking Dog For Sale

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a fucking liar.

I see...

I see dead cats of course.

Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?

"He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

George W. Bush

"My relationship with this good man is where I've been focused, and that's where my concentration is. And I don't regret any other aspect of it. And so I -- we filled a lot of space together." --George W. Bush, on British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Washington, D.C., May 17, 2007"What I'm telling you is there's too many junk lawsuits suing too many doctors." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 10, 2007

"I'm honored to be here with the eternal general of the United States, mi amigo Alberto Gonzales." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 4, 2007

"Information is moving -- you know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007

"The question is, who ought to make that decision? The Congress or the commanders? And as you know, my position is clear -- I'm a commander guy." --George W. Bush, who apparently is no longer "The Decider," Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007 (Watch video clip)

"Wisdom and strength, and my family, is what I'd like for you to pray for." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007

"Either we'll succeed, or we won't succeed. And the definition of success as I described is sectarian violence down. Success is not no violence." --George W. Bush, on Iraq, Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007

"And so, what Gen. Petraeus is saying, some early signs, still dangerous, but give me -- give my chance a plan to work." --George W. Bush, in an interview with Charlie Rose, April 24, 2007

"There are jobs Americans aren't doing. ... If you've got a chicken factory, a chicken-plucking factory, or whatever you call them, you know what I'm talking about." --George W. Bush. Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007