Wednesday, April 30, 2008
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river
to get a drink.
The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink
of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle.
He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The
crocodile yells up to the monkey and says 'Hey!'
The monkey looks down and says, .......
'Dude! How much water did you drink?!'"
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
"This boxer cross was only eight weeks old when she was mutilated by thugs involved in dog-fighting.
The attackers tried to hack off her ears and tail before abandoning the bleeding puppy in a Brent park.
Named Cabbage by her rescuers, her wounds were operated on by vets at the Mayhew Animal Home in Kensal Green who also reset her front legs, which were deformed by malnutrition.
Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, 'Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane.'
Martha always replied, 'I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars.'
One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, 'Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance.'
Martha replied, 'Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars.'
The pilot overheard them and said, 'Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars.'
Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.'
Bill replied, 'Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars.'"
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement or shed; when you are done you will have a place to live.
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Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
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Q: Where can men or women over the age of 60 find young, sexy members of the opposite sex who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore -- under fiction.
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Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, make sure you're not wearing your glasses.
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Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
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Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not the problem, retrieving it is the problem.
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Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually only in the afternoon.
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Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
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Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Hey! I remember these!'
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Q: What is a 60+ year old's most frequent thought when going from one room to another?
A: 'What did I come here for?'
- - -
Q: What is the most effective form of birth control for people 60 and over?
They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. 'Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives,' she said.
'I agree with you completely, ma'am,' the man replied.
The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. 'This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship.'
'That's a great idea, miss,' the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share.
'I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?' the man asked.
'No, thanks,' said the woman. 'I'll just wait until the cops get here.'"
Monday, April 28, 2008
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.'
'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle, 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'
'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.
'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
'Liver alone. Cheese mine.'"
'Ladies, exercise is good for you,' announced the teacher. 'Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!'
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
'Yes?' asked the instructor.
'Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?'"
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
The first ever celebration took place on 22 April 1970 as an event at universities and campuses across America. The idea to celebrate this Day was conceived by Senator Gaylord Nelson, who modelled it on the at the time very popular anti-war protests at American universities. More than 20 million people took part in that first mass demonstration for the environment, called a “national gathering for the environment”. A great public interest for environmental issues placed environmental protection firmly on the political agenda. Celebration of Earth Day became topical again twenty years later, in 1990, when 200 million people around the globe participated in Earth Day events. This global phenomenon became official in 1992, when numerous government representatives and NGOs participating in the Rio UN Conference on Environment and Development agreed on a long-term programme for promoting sustainable development.
In Croatia, Earth Day has been celebrated in an organised manner since 1990. Traditionally, it is marked by environmental NGOs in order to draw public attention to the importance of preserving the environment, while the Ministry of Environmental Protection, Physical Planning and Construction joins NGOs in the celebration by inviting all citizens of the Republic of Croatia to adopt environmentally friendly behaviour. Since 1999, the Ministry has been financially supporting NGO projects related to environmental issues, and this year 3 million kuna will be allocated from the 2008 State Budget for environmental projects.
The slogan of this year’s Earth Day is A Call for Climate!. One of today's major challenges is climate change and increase in greenhouse gas emissions. For that reason, in early March of this year, the Ministry participated in the environmental event „Ice Cube“ organised by National Geographic Croatia, the aim of which was to draw public attention to the issue of global warming. An ice cube weighing 3,375 tonnes was placed on Ban Jelačić Square, and its quick melting was a warning to the public that Croatia also, although a small country with a minor share in global warming, needs to be a responsible member of the global community.
Monday, April 21, 2008
One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator
together at the end of an unbearable hot, sticky day. The younger man was
completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was
fresh as a daisy. 'I don't understand,' he marveled, 'how you can listen
to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still
look so spry and unbothered when it's over.'
The older analyst said simply, 'Who listens?'"
That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cm stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long.'
The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we made wild passionate love all night.
The married one: The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: 'Hi Batman, what's for dinner?'
Friday, April 18, 2008
Oscar the cockatoo has a disease called beacon feather which affects the immune system. This virus causes her to pull out her own feathers because of irritation but she still has feathers on her head because she can’t reach those. She may look like the ugliest bird but Oscar is well loved by the workers at Humane Society of Broward County because she is special.
He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.
Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say 'Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'
She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed.
By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine.
So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says 'Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies'.
The man standing next to her says, 'You go to Dr. Smith?'
'Yes,' she said, 'how did you know?'
He replies 'Hickory dickory dock!'"
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I have always used your product ever since my college days, because mom says it was the best. One weekend about a month ago, I was at my girlfriend's place, wearing my new white shirt. Much to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine on my white shirt. She made a comment about my drinking problem, one thing lead to another, and soon I had her blood all over my not-so-nice white shirt. I tried washing it with her detergent, and it just didn't do the trick. So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and picked up a box of new Ultra Tide. It washed the stain so well that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive! I can't praise your product enough. Thank you for saving my life! I must go now. I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage bags...
"This fetching photo session features the happy mother of 8 adorable ferrets, that I can hardly recognise in the crowd. Ferrets are energetic, curios and can put a smile on your face in the rainiest day. If you’re looking for a pet for your home, ferrets might just be the ideal choice."
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
"It's thought of as a sexual stereotype: boys tend to play with toy cars and diggers, while girls like dolls. But male monkeys, suggests research, are no different (see a related video report).
This could mean that males, whether human or monkey, have a biological predisposition to certain toys, says Kim Wallen, a psychologist at Yerkes National Primate Research Center in Atlanta, Georgia.
Wallen's team looked at 11 male and 23 female rhesus monkeys. In general the males preferred to play with wheeled toys, such as dumper trucks, over plush dolls, while female monkeys played with both kinds of toys.
This conclusion may upset those psychologists who insist that sex differences – for example the tendency of boys to favour toy soldiers and girls to prefer dolls – depend on social factors, not innate differences." link
"The polar bear is the largest land carnivore as well as one of the most ferocious. In the award winning Polar Bear Habitat and Heritage Village located the little town of Cochrane in Northern Ontario Canada, people can experience a once in a life time outdoor swim with polar bears. What separates the people from the beast are bulletproof and shatterproof glass that’s almost 9 centimetres wide, enough for protection against hostile actions from the polar bear. An experience to get up so close to these magnificent creatures would definitely entice enthusiastic adventurers.link for
3 more pics of swimming with the polar bears
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.
'Pierre! What are you doing?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!'
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me lower!'
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, 'PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?'
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!'
"Budget came out with the most ingenious idea of putting hilarious moving tips on the sides of the moving trucks. Many advertisers stuggle to stand out; oftentimes, they blend it. Potential customers can watch one television commerical after another and all they hear is: BlahBlahBlah. However, Budget's viral advertising campaign really gets potential clients talking or laughing in a place where they have limited alternative forms of entertainment, the car.