Thursday, January 31, 2008

Cruising in the car

" There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. "
Bern Williams
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A Croatian fisherman is selling his pet dog because it kept catching more fish than him


Lipi -dog

Slobodan Paparella from the Adriatic island of Lastovo said he was fed up with being embarrassed in front of his fishing pals.
He said that most days when he went fishing he would catch only the odd fish - but that his Irish setter Lipi would jump into the water and use her jaws to catch dozens of fish.
Paparalla said the last straw was when he tried to reel in a 15lb fish but lost it at the least second - only to see Lipi jump in and catch the fish with one bite and bring it back to shore.
He said: "The other fishermen were all laughing at me. I have no choice but to sell the dog because it keeps humiliating me."

p.s. thank you parlance , I don't heard before that story .

Last action hero

before - after
" To crush your enemies, see them driven before you,
and to hear the lamentation of the women."

Rambo


Rambo Part VIII

"I want what they want, and every other guy who came over here and spilled his guts and gave everything he had, wants! For our country to love us as much as we love it!'
-John Rambo"
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Rambo Cat

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Anybody home ?


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Two black eyes

"A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.

'What happened to you?' asked his wife.

'I'll never understand women,' he replied. 'I was riding up in an
escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt
was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned
around and punched me in the eye!'

'I can certainly appreciate that,' said the wife, 'But how did you get
the second black eye?'

'Well, I figured she liked it that way,' said the husband, 'So I
pushed it back in.'"
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Computer Geek Chic


Everyone knows it’s super-cute when you and your dog have matching outfits. But, when you are a computer mom, constantly typing away on her laptop, what’s cooler than matching ensembles? Matching computers!"
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You've Got Mail

"Customer: 'I am having some problems with my email account.'
Tech Support: 'Who is your Internet provider?'
Customer: 'I am not really sure but I think it's 'You've Got Mail'"
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Computer Stupidities: Online Folly



"Customer: 'I am going to shoot everyone at your DSL office. Where are you located at, anyways?'
Tech Support: 'Uh, for security purposes, just like this, our company states we cannot reveal our call center's location.'
Customer: 'I am filing a complaint against you with the public utilities commission.'
Tech Support: 'You do realize DSL is not a public utility, right?'

Customer: 'I'm having problems connecting to the Internet through the University. I've just moved, and I'm not sure if the cables are connected properly.'
Tech Support: 'Well, how are the cables connected now?'
Customer: 'Oh, wait, this cord needs to be--' (click)
Five minutes later, she called back.
Tech Support: 'We seemed to have been disconnected.'
Customer: 'Right, I was moving these phone cords--' (click)
Five minutes later, she called back.
Tech Support: 'Are you using a phone plugged into your modem?'
Customer: 'Yes, I don't have my other one hooked up yet--' (click)"
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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Short Blonde Jokes


"Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.

Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner."
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Groink - Joke


"A pig walks into a bar and asks for 3 glasses of Coke, he drinks and drinks and drinks and when he's finished he asks the bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender tells him it's down there on the left and the pig goes off to the bathroom.
Then a second little pig walks in and asks for 10 glasses of Coke, he drinks and drinks and drinks and when he's finished he asks the bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender tells him it's down there on the left and the pig goes off to the bathroom.
Then another little pig comes in and asks for 100 glasses of Coke, he drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks. The bartender says 'Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?
The pig says 'No, I'm the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.'"
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Weigh that pig


"Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he
wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he
wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty,
bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said,
'This one will go a little over a 100'. Astonished the Yankee said, 'Who
are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way'. The farmer
laughed and called to his young son, 'Boy, come over here and weigh that
pig for this man'. The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig
by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, ' This
here pig weighs about 100 pounds'. The Yankee was having no part of this
so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and
get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son
returned and said, 'Ma says she will be right down after she's finished
weighing the mailman'."
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Monday, January 28, 2008

Yorkshire Terrier's Life


It's a hard life

Baby Hiccup

video

Cold Weather


Metaphysics

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam;
I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

- Woody Allen
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Extreme


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How to get on a bus

How to get on a bus: idiot's guide published
By Sophie Borland

An idiot’s guide explaining how to get on and off a bus has been produced for people who have a phobia of public transport.

Bryony Gordon: Only an idiot would take the bus

According to Stagecoach, which has created the step-by-step manual, a large proportion of Britain’s population are now so used to travelling by car that they have become scared of buses.


Download Stagecoach's guide
In order to encourage use of public transport, the firm has come up with the “Using the Bus” guide which sets out the most basic information possible.

The guide begins reassuringly with: “Using the bus could not be easier.”

It goes on to warn that passengers should “first of all decide on what bus you need” and once the right bus has been spotted, with the “number and destination on the front”, one should then “signal for the driver to stop.”

The guide continues: “Wait until the bus is stopped and the doors are fully opened and step on board.”

advertisement
Those standing while seats are available are told: “Please feel free to use the fold-down seats.”

The guide even goes as far as setting out procedures for disembarking and says: “When you want to get off, press the bell once. For your safety we recommend you remain seated until the bus has arrived at the stop.”

A spokesman for Stagecoach, which runs 7,000 buses and coaches from Devon in the south west to Inverness in the Scottish Highlands, said that research had shown many members of the public do not know how to use public transport.



Steven Stewart, from Stagecoach, said: “If we look back 30 or 40 years, catching a bus was part of our daily routine from when we were children.

“Our guide is not designed to be patronising, it’s just answering questions that cause fear and uncertainty when people are thinking of getting a bus.”

A Stagecoach campaign encouraging more use of public transport has now contacted 610,000 people across the country, giving out versions of the guide and offering free travel passes.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Feeling Lazy

Niki

Sorry guys but no posts today. See you on Monday.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

At older age


Eat Elsewhere

An elderly couple were having trouble with their romantic lives. They visited the doctor who listened carefully, then pronounced his diagnosis.
At your age, he stated, you need spontaneity and immediacy. The next time you feel the urge, carry it out. I don't care if it's on the dining room table; take action.
The next month, the couple returned for their visit. "How did my suggestion work" the doctor asked? "Great!!!, the man replied, but we can't eat at Shoneys' anymore."

YEARLY CHECK-UP
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along.When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT? What did he say? What does he want?"His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear.
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I'm a doctor


"Shortly after a car was broadsided in a busy intersection, a good Samaritan
rushed to see if anyone was hurt. He saw that the driver was dazed and
bleeding. 'Hang in there, lady,' he said. 'Are you badly hurt?'
'How the hell should I know?' she snapped. 'I'm a doctor, not a lawyer.'"
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What are we thinking about

Two little kids

"Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other,
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you
in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done last
year. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
And the second kid says, 'Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't
walk for a year!'"
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Friday, January 25, 2008

Can cats see in the dark ?


"Can cats see in the dark?
Yes, but they have trouble holding the flashlight!"
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Thursday, January 24, 2008

Chicken Jokes

chicken wellness


"Which day of the week do chickens hate most?


"M.C.Escher : That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
Salvador Dali : The Fish.
Werner Heisenberg : We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
L.A. Police Department : Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Grandpa : In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Bill the Cat : Oops... Ack."

You walks like this ?


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Fishing


"Two long time golfers were standing at the 3rd tee overlooking the river.
One golfer looked to the other and said, 'Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain.'"
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Sign here,please!


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Thief

"One night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m. All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money.
'You can't do that!!' The politician cried. 'I'm a politician!'
'Oh,' said the masked man, 'in that case give me all MY money!!'"
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Helping out


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I'm only 45

"Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates
of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, 'We've been waiting a
long time for you.'
'What do you mean,' he replied, 'I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.
Why did I have to die now?'
'45? You're not 45, you're 82,' replied the angel.
'Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy.
I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.'
'Hold on. Let me go check,' said the angel and disspeared inside. After
a few minutes the angel returned. 'Sorry, but by our records you are 82.
I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82...'"
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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Bears Playing

Ursus arctos

Zagreb ZOO

Biker Bear


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Brown bears



"Brown bears are living in Croatia
of mostly forestry areas in Dinaric ranges - in Gorski kotar, Lika, or rather from Snjeznik and Risnjak across the Plitvice Lakes area to Velika Kapela, Mala Kapela, Pljesivica and Velebit. The estimated population counts about 400 samples which fits the capacity of the area. Bear is a rare species in Croatia today. Outside of protected area they are available for hunting. About 40 bears a year suffer from both hunting and other causes of death. Limited size of available living areas and large space necessary for every single bear are making impossible for bear population to grow further and that is what makes them to be rare species.
Bears are the biggest continental carnivotous animals. In Croatia, bear females have in average 100 kg, and bear males 150, but some of them could go over 300 kg. Although true carnivorous animals by their body construction, 95% of their needs for food are satisfied by vegetable food, a share of animal proteins is mostly taken from invertebrates and big animal carrion. Among vegetable food during spring and summer herbaceous plants and grasses are dominating, joined by some soft fruits in summer and beechmast is autumn as the main food for collecting of underskin fat for winter reserve."

Short Bear Jokes

"Q: Why do bears have fur coats ?
A:Because they'd look stupid in anoraks!
Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A: A teddy boar!
Q: What should you call a bald teddy?
A; Fred bear!
Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A: A little bear!
Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
A: It lives on ice!
Q: Have you ever hunted bear?
A: No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!
Q: How do you hire a teddy bear?
A: Put him on stilts!
Q: What's a teddy bears favourite pasta?
A: Tagliateddy!
Q: Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?
A: Because they'd rather go to the cinema!
Q: What is a bear's favourite drink?
A: Koka-Koala!"
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Streapteas

hvala Helga


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

My Favorite Directors (but not all)







"Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

There's an old joke... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, 'Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.' The other one says, 'Yeah, I know; and such small portions.' Well, that's essentially how I feel about life — full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness — and it's all over much too
quickly." Woody Allen





'How could we possibly appreciate the Mona Lisa if Leonardo had written at the bottom of the canvas: 'The lady is smiling because she is hiding a secret from her lover.' This would shackle the viewer to reality, and I don't want this to happen to 2001.' Stanley Kubrick

Want a beer?


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Full Moon











"Full Moons are traditionally associated with temporal insomnia, insanity (hence the terms lunacy and lunatic) and various magical phenomena such as lycanthropy. Psychologists, however, have found that there is no strong evidence for effects on human behaviour around the time of a full moon . They find that studies are generally not consistent, with some showing a positive effect and others showing a negative effect. In one instance, the December 23, 2000 issue of the British Medical Journal published two studies on dog bite admission to hospitals in England and Australia. The study of the Bradford Royal Infirmary found that dog bites were twice as common during a full moon, whereas the study conducted by the public hospitals in Australia found that they were less likely.
Many neopagans hold a monthly ritual called an Esbat at each full moon, while some people practicing traditional Chinese religions prepare their ritual offerings to their ancestors and deities on every full and new moon."



Click to see a large image


Blondes to the moon

At a press conference the Brunettes announce they are going to make a trip to the Moon. The Redheads speak up "That's been done before, we're going to go to Mars". The Blondes speak up "That's nothing, we're going to be the first people to go to the Sun". One of the reporters says "Don't you idiots know that you'll burn up?" The Blondes say "NO WE WON'T; WE'RE GOING TO GO AT NIGHT!"

Devil Baby and Black Kitty


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Every website needs a cute puppy picture


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Little Johny

"The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual
event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and
read his essay.

It began, 'Daddy fell into the well last week...'

'My goodness!' the teacher exclaimed. 'Is he all right?'

'He must be,' said the boy. 'He stopped yelling for help yesterday.'"
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New Best Friend


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Monday, January 21, 2008

Rusty


"The story thus far: Mom had to put a chair in front of the pantry door to keep me from being tempted to check out the trash"

Crazy dog

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?

Albert Einstein
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Sigmund Freud quotes


"The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ''What does a woman want?''”

“The goal of all life is death.”

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Most Difficult Psych Case

"Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over dinner, one asked the other, 'So, tell me, what was your most difficult case?'
The other replied, 'Well, let's see...I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune.
All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years.'
'So, what was the result?'
'It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him.
And then..... that stupid letter arrived!'"
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Multiple Personalities


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Going Blind

"Jon and Dave were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, 'Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?'
Jon said, 'I'd be half blind.' 'That's correct. What if I poked out both of your eyes?' 'I'd be completely blind.' The doctor got up, shook his hand and told him he was free.
On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Dave. He told him what questions were going to be asked, and told him the answers. Dave was called in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked, 'What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?'
Dave, remembering what Jon said was the correct answer, he said, 'I'd be half blind.' The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. 'What if I cut off both of your ears?' 'I'd be completely blind.' Dave answered. 'Dave, can you explain how you'd be blind?' 'My hat would fall over my eyes.'"
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Sunday, January 20, 2008

Police dog

My Good Ol' Dog

On a hot summer day, a country bumpkin came into town with his dog.

He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree.

The bumpkin said that it was his.

The policeman said, 'Your dog seems to be in heat.'

The bumpkin replies, 'No way dog's in heat...she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree.'

The policeman says, 'No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way', the bumpkin says, 'dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'.'

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; 'NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!

The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, 'Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog.'"

Cool bike

Your wife tells you the only way she'll let you ride across the country is over her dead body
and you tell her, "If that's the case, you'll be my first speed bump!"
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Philosophies of butter

Gunpowder

A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 108.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium."
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Saturday, January 19, 2008

Yorkie Rules


1. The Yorkie may occasional go for a car ride.
2. Okay, the Yorkie may ride in the car once a week to get his treat from the nice lady at the bank.
3. The Yorkie may ride in the car whenever people forget to pick up their car keys quietly.
4. Fine, Yorkies become self-appointed guardians of the back door leading to the garage.
5. Yorkies decide which human may accompany them in their 'canine chariots.'"
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Where is that mouse ?


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Empty




Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. 'I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us.'
'Great. Where do you live?'
'Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in.'
'Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?'
'Surely, you're not coming empty-handed.'"
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Dog shit,20 feet back


"Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging
their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other
knowingly, points at his foot and says, 'Vietnam, 1969.'
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, 'Dog shit, 20 feet
back.'"
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