Friday, November 30, 2007

Buddy Bears


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Woman's vs. Man's Poem

"WOMAN's POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store
and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit"
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Giant Tits


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Hard Training : what is it ?

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Funny dogs

Funny short pet jokes, one liners

"Why did the snowman call his dog Frost ?
Because frost bites !

Why did the poor dog chase his own tail ?
He was trying to make both ends meet !

What happened when the dog went to the flea circus ?
He stole the show !

What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. "
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Santa Helmet

ho!ho!ho!
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First Obi's cover sheet


Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at MagMyPic.com

Subscribe to People Magazine at a 37% discount!


Billy's story

" One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story to tell,
and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story,
little Suzy raises her hand.
'My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck
and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump
and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.
' The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, 'Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.'
Next is little Lucy. 'Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs
and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.
' The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies
, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'
Last is little Billy. 'My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war;
his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
On the way down he drank the case of beer.
Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.'
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, 'Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking.' "
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Thursday, November 29, 2007

Guitar Monkey

it’s only rock’n’roll, baby!
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Celebrities Caricatures

click for more
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Nerdy Love Letter


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The secret life of James Bond


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Bond, James Bond

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I am here alone.
Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
007 taps, taps his watch, .. .......

and says 'Damn thing must be an hour fast "
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007 cartoon


007 Dog


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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Hot Girls

spot the penguin

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Fear

He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Statler and Waldorf

STATLER: I wonder if there really is life on another planet
.WALDORF: Why do you care? You don’t have a life on this one?
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Oh God - joke

"Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, 'George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?' George replied, 'God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!' 'Wow,' commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!' A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. 'Thelma,' he said, 'George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?' Thelma replied, 'Oh God! He's peeing in the fridge again!'"
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Clever Spider - Man


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"Do you believe this? She's STILL barking at me!"


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Marriage - Jokes

"Policeman: I am sorry to have to tell you this Mr Brown,
but you wife has just fallen into the wishing well and drowned.
Mr Browm: It works!

Wife: What do you mean coming home half drunk at this time of night?
Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money.

Husband: Let's go out on the town tonight and have some fun.
Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave the front door open.

It first occured to me that our marriage might be in trouble when my wife
won an all expenses paid trip for two to Hawaii - and she went twice.

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife
to buy a life insurance policy.
'Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow,' he said.
'What would you get?'
'Oh, a Labrador dog, I think,' replied the housewife.
'They're so well-behaved.

My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday.


Missing: wife and dog.
Reward for dog."
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Not Tonight

Could I See Just One?

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
'Hi, is Tony home?'
'No, he went to the store.'
'Well, you mind if I wait?' 'No, come in.'
They sit down and the friend says 'You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts
I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.'
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws
a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says
'They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them.
I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.'
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe,
and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table,
and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says
'You know, your weird friend Chris came over.'
Tony thinks about this for a second and says
'Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?' "
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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Dentist Patient Nightmare


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No Anesthetic

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, 'Doc, I'm in a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf,
so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already.
I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man
asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.
So the dentist asked him, 'Which tooth is it, sir?'
The man turned to his wife and said: 'Open your mouth, honey, and show him.'"
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Ouch,that hurt !


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Lick,Lick !

That's what the cat said to the canary when he swallowed him -
'You'll be all right.'
Alvah Bessie
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Swimming with Crocodiles

cute little croc
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Need a cab ?


Taxi driver in Heaven

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion.
It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest.
'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion?
After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.
' 'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.' "
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Two Friends


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Baby Turtle

"A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.
About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end.
He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch.
On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off,
walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned,
spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch.
Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree,
sighed and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds.
Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, 'Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?' "
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Talking Dog for Sale


"This guy sees a sign in front of a house, 'Talking Dog for Sale.'
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the mutt replies.
'So, what's your story?'
The mutt looks up and says 'Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured
a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says 'Ten dollars.'
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, 'This dog is amazing.
Why on earth are you selling him?'
The owner replies, 'Because he's such a liar. "
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Monday, November 26, 2007

Monday, Back To Work


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Deadbeat in a Bar

"A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down.
After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, 'No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it.
' So the bartender said, 'Well, would you like a cigarette?'
But the man said, 'No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it.
' The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool.
Again the man said, 'No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it.
As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son.
' The bartender said, 'Your only son, I'm guessing.'"
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Happy anniversary honey


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Wedding Anniversary Jokes

A man was talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary.
The friend asked, 'What did you do for your 25th?'
He said, 'I took my wife to Hawaii.'
The friend then asked, 'What are you thinking about for your 50th?'
He said, 'Well I was thinking of bringing her back.'


A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks
if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, 'No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.
Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.
Tomorrow I would've been a free man!' "
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"No - Sex"



Why did you get married ?

"'You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common,
' said the new tenant's neighbor.
'Why on earth did you get married?'
'I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract',' was the reply.
'He wasn't pregnant and I was.'"
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Sunday, November 25, 2007

Today in Croatia -the elections for the Croatian parliament

Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing.
Bernard Baruch

Political joke


"Why is the government like a prostitute?

Your always getting screwed and you have to pay for it!"
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Saturday, November 24, 2007

Taking Something


Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
'It's terrible,' she said, 'I haven't moved my bowels in a week.'
'I see. Have you done anything about it?' asked the doctor.
'Naturally,' she replied, 'I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning
and again at night.'
'No,' the doctor said, 'I mean do you take anything?'
'Naturally,' she answered, 'I take a book.' "
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Reverse World


Eye

"A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining
and put his hand out the window to check.
As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from, in time to see a young woman looking down.
'Is this yours?' he asked.
She said, 'Yes, could you bring it up?'
The man agreed... On arrival she was profuse in her thanks
and offered the man a drink.
As she was very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, 'I'm about to have dinner.
There's plenty; would you like to join me?'
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, 'I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?'
The man hesitated then said, 'Do you act like this with every man you meet?'
'No,' she replied, 'Only those who catch my eye.'"
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Dog Drilling


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Blonde Father

"A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.
One day, the wife started having contractions,
so the husband rushed her to the hospital.
He held her hand as she went through a trying birth.
In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, 'All right, who's the other father!?!'"
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Kitty War


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Friday, November 23, 2007

Clapton BB King Jeff Beck

good blues

Horrorscope


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Zodiac Signs Pics


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horoscope quote

"I believe in horoscopes.

I was born under the sign of the Ram, which means I'm headstrong,

don't like people telling me what to do.

Loretta Lynn"
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Dis no time for a kodak moment


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I'm looking at the moon

"This young lady, a flighty young thing, got a job cleaning the bank windows in the evening after the bank closed for business. Anyway, she was up this ladder, cleaning good and proper and as she was in the habit of wearing no knickers, every young man who would come along would stop and stare for a second or two. But this evening an old geezer came along and stayed looking. 'What are you looking at' she said. 'I'm looking at the moon' he said. 'Well, if you were here last night, you would have seen a man in it' she said. "
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wait


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Can Opener

"As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener. A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one. In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point. In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and 'pop!' In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, 'Assume the can is open, assume the can is open...' "
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Thursday, November 22, 2007

Senior Cartoon


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Senior's Lament

A few days ago I was tooling along through a neighborhood on my wheel chair
when I noticed a young boy sitting on the retaining wall in front of his house,
crying as if his heart was breaking.
I pulled alongside the youngster and asked, 'Son, what's the matter?
Why are you crying so?'
'I'm... cry... crying 'cause I can't do what my 20-year-old brother does.' he said.
So I sat there and cried with him."
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Did You Say You Had More Nuts ?


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Why the long face?


"A Horse walks into a bar:
'Hey buddy,' says the bartender, 'why the long face?' "
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Will it take Me ?

"Two blondes are waiting on a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door.
One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver:
'Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'
The bus driver shakes his head and says, 'No, I'm Sorry.'
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters:
'Will it take ME?' "
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Celebrity Legos

more pics
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Really fast food


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Why did that upset you ?

"Attorney to witness:
'What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?'
Witness:
'Where am I Cathy?'
Attorney:
'And why did that upset you?'
Witness:
'Because my name is Susan.'"
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Relaxing ,and you ?


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Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Bravo Hrvatska !!!!

England vs. Croatia


"Slavene, die with your boots on!"

Kitty


What is a Cat ?

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats."
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Cats

Everything I know I learned from my cat:
When you're hungry, eat.
When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam.
When you go to the vet's, pee on your owner.
~Gary Smith


I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult.
It's not.
Mine had me trained in two days. ~Bill Dana


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Cat - Funny Pictures


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"'The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat.'"
Ogden Nash