Friday, August 31, 2007

Little boy but good.....


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Home alone


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Hit


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Baby duck catching a bug


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Two Happy Ducks

A duck walks into a bar. He looks like the happiest duck in the world. The bartender asks, "Why are you so happy today?"
The duck replies, "I've been playing in puddles all day." The duck proceeds to order a beer and enjoy it at the bar.

A little while later another duck walks in the bar. He looks like the second happiest duck in the world. The bartender asks, "Why are you so happy today?"

The duck gives the bartender the same answer, "I've been playing in puddles all day." This duck also orders a beer and enjoys it at the bar.

A third duck enters the bar, the total opposite of the first two ducks. He looks like the saddest duck in the world. The bartender asks the duck, "What's wrong with you?"

The duck replies, "My name is Puddles and I've had a terrible day."

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Suicide


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Emo Tattoo


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"The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. 'It's a period' reported Johnnie. 'Well I can see that' she said. 'but what is so exciting about a period.' 'Damned if I know' said Johnnie, 'but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.'"
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H0W TO FLY


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Suicide Jokes

"Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. 'I'll bet you $10 he'll jump,' said the Jim. 'Bet you $10 he won't,' replied Bob. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money. 'I can't take your money,' said Jim. 'I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news.' 'No, no. Take it,' said Bob. 'I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!'"
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What are you looking at?


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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN SURGERY


1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!
4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!
5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
7 'Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness'
8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
9 'Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of'em
10 What do you mean 'You want a divorce?'"
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Medical term of lazy


The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, 'Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.' 'Well, in plain English,' the doctor replied, 'you're just lazy.' 'OK,' said the man. 'Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.' "
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Dentist


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What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque .

A dog goes to the movies


A woman entered a movie theater and, after carefully choosing an aisle seat about halfway toward the front, she looked over to her right and was surprised to see a man sitting a few seats down with a large dog on the seat next to him.

From time to time throughout the movie, the woman glanced over and saw that the dog was watching the movie very intently. The dog even appeared to understand what was going on, growling when the villain appeared and yelping happily at the funny moments.

When the lights came up at the end of the movie, the woman leaned toward the man and said, “I’ve been watching your dog and, I have to say, I just can’t believe how much he enjoyed the movie.”

“I know, it surprises me, too,” the man answered. “He absolutely hated the book.”

My dog



My dog can bark like a congressman, fetch like an aide, beg like a press secretary and play dead like a receptionist when the phone rings.

Gerald Solomon

Rubicks Dog




One Smart Dog
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
The first man was an engineer, the second was an accountant, the third a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop! Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker, and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, "do your stuff." Coffee Break slowly got on his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Be Jesus


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin - 5 and Ryan - 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say , 'Let my brother have the first pancake... I can wait.'' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus!'"

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When frogs fly

We are born princes and the civilizing process makes us frogs.
Publilius Syrus
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Bruce Willis -naughty boy


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When is Gonzales lying?


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Obviously I'm not going to say that I am perfect and that I've been perfect in doing my job."
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, November 30, 2006.

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He's a tough guy with a gentle heart


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Two guys

"Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. 'POOF' out popped a tired old genie who said 'ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one'. The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, 'Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!' 'Fine' said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer. 'Great move Einstein!' said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. 'NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!'"
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Sunday, August 26, 2007

Mustang Made From 5,000 Beer Cans


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" All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with
beer."

--- Homer Simpson

The story of the bats


Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, 'Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood.' 'We're new here,' says the second one. 'It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us.' The first bat replies, 'Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.' He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly, 'Where did you get the blood?' The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, 'See that black building over there?' 'Yes,' the other bat answers. 'Well,' says the first bat, 'I didn't.'"
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Saturday, August 25, 2007

Friday, August 24, 2007

Cat Prayer


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Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!

~ Author Unknown

Where is Jesus Today?


A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season's emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, 'Where is Jesus today?' Steven raised his hand and said, 'He's in heaven.' Mary was called on and answered, 'He's in my heart.' Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, 'I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!' The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, 'Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!'"
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feeling-pretty


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Genius Monkey

Think

"Jimmy is in math class when the teacher asks him a question: 'Jimmy, if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot one with your gun, how many are left?' 'None,' replies Jimmy, 'because the others would be scared by the noise.' 'Well, no, the correct answer is 4, but I like the way you're thinking!' 'I've got a question for you, teacher,' says Jimmy. 'If there are 3 women sitting in a shop eating ice cream cones, and one is licking her cone, one is biting her cone, and one is sucking her cone, which one is married?' The teacher gets a little nervous and finally answers, 'I say the one sucking her cone.' 'Well, no, the correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!'"
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Take a number

Bible

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the word 'Bible' means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know what the word Bible means'?"

The son replied, "I mean I figured out what the word stands for!"

"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the word 'Bible' stand for?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." said the boy, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth'."
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Thursday, August 23, 2007

Life Lessons Learned from a Dog


If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
Don't go out without ID.
Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
When you do something wrong, always take responsibility
(as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
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Wartime Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to his local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man asked, 'Father... during World War 2, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hid her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess that.' 'It's worst than that Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours.' The priest said, 'By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act in that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.' 'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question.' 'And what is that my son?' asked the priest. 'Should I tell her the war is over?'"
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Breakfast Treat

The wife is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. The husband wanders in, still in his pajamas. She turns to him and says, 'I need you to make love to me this very minute.' His eyes light up and he thinks, 'This is my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table. Afterwards she just says, 'Thanks,' and returns to the kitchen stove. More than a little puzzled, he asks, 'What was that all about?' She explains, 'Well, the egg timer is broke.'"
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Hi from bus skeleton

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Men vs Women


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Adult Math

'Dear Wife (that's what he called her), I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautifull and sexy 18 year old secretary.' When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read As follows;'Dear Husband,(that's what she called him). I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and verile 18 years-old boy toy. You being a certified Public Accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18'"
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Worms in Church


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead . Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead . Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation: 'What can you learn from this demonstration?' Old Maxine, who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'I learned that as long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'"
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Pancakes for dinner !


A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."
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Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Definitely gay


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Truth About Santa-Claus


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Every morning I am tempted to go right...


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10 Ways to know if you have "Oestrogen Issues"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your mobile phone to dial up every car sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 0800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space'.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday."
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No hooking


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Medicare

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs.. Ward, please."

"Speaking."


"Mrs.. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr.. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs.. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."



"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.. Ward.



"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


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Obi

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The blonde handy woman

A blonde was a little low on money, so she decided to hire herself out as a handyman. She went into this rich neighborhood, and went up to a house. She knocked at the door and a man answered the door. "May I help you?"
"Yes I am a handyman, and I was wondering if you needed any work done around your yard."
"As a matter of fact I do, I need my porch painted. How much will you charge?", the man asked.
"How about $50?" the blonde said.
"Okay, the paint, ladders, and everything else that you will need is in the shed." And with that the blonde got working
The man went into his house and his wife said "Does she know that it is a wrap-around porch?"
"She should, she was standing on it", the man replied
About 30 minutes later the blonde went up to the house. "Done already?" the man asked.
"Yes and I had some extra paint, so I put two coats on." The blonde replied.
"Great!" the man replied and handed her the $50.
The blonde was walking to her car when she turned around and said "Oh, and by the way, it's a ferrari, not a porsche. "

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Wonderbra: Hills


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Closer shave

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks."I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?""No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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Saturday, August 18, 2007

I'm back...

and I have a new puppy ! On this pic is Obi with Niki (Nicky) , she's 3 months old .
Niki is big boss but so cute.