Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore.
So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore."
So she swam out five miles, and got really tired.
She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it.
I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve."
So she attempts to swim out.
The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired.
After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it!
I think I'd better try to make it, too."
So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island.
The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!"
So she swam back.
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Zrela,žuta, mirisava dunjaNa stablu visokuNeotrgnuta ostalaJesenasI uvenulaSa stabla mirisne dunjePticaOdletjela preko voćnjakaU šumu duboku, u šumu gustu, pustuNi dunje, ni pticeNemaNemaNi ptice, ni dunje.
Yellow quince full of odor was left on the tree this autumn and it withered.From the quince tree a bird flew away over the orchard into the deep, thick, deserted forest.There is no quince nor bird any more.}
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
The woman answers, 'Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we.'"
'Why, it's bean soup,' she replied.
'I don't care what it has been,' he sputtered. 'What is it now?'"
One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed, and when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end, and never attempt to shag my best friend.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
slow down. She wants to hear the stop, so Little Johnny tells her.
'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt
`I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped
her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy'
At this point Mummy cut him off and says, Johnny, this is such an interesting
story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on
Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts
his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down
on the seat and '... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.'
Yesterday while we were walking we met a cute Labrador.
He approached Obi, took his leash,and tried to take him away.
He's owner noticed my worried look and told me not to worry,
her dog likes to take other dogs for a walk.
I laughed and asked if she could rent me her dog.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
"What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes.
He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
"OH MY GOD! ..." Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving ... As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around... "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" "VERY WELL." Said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed. ... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
Saturday, June 23, 2007
However, two snakes, adders to be specific, complain to Noah that this is one thing they have never been able to do, hard as they have tried.
Undaunted, Noah instructs the snakes to go into the woods, make tables from the trunks of fallen trees and give it a try on the tabletops.
The snakes respond that they don't understand how this will help them to procreate whereupon Noah explains: "Well, even adders can multiply using log tables!"
Friday, June 22, 2007
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The first dog says, "Oh, I was just checking my messages."
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally,unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, sure enough, the dog stops snoring.The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into The bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says: "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!
Monday, June 18, 2007
Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain."I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static," she says."Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies."Head Cleaner," Mary replies.
This joke is maybe not so funny but it's first one about my present work.
"I'm honored to be here with the eternal general of the United States, mi amigo Alberto Gonzales." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 4, 2007
"Information is moving -- you know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007